What is Rejection?

Rejection. Refusal, non-acceptance, declining, turning down, no, dismissal, spurning, rebuff

In this, the first in a series of articles on Rejection, I begin by describing a psychological hypothesis which can be used to explain why our language contains such a powerful word for the rejection experience itself and second, how and why the word rejection is differentially defined by individuals.

It is my aim that by the end of this series that you will have your awareness raised about aspects of rejection, see that you are not alone in your rejection experience and understand how, with practice, you can use your already existing mental architecture to use the rejection experience to your advantage.

Turning first to an explanation of why such an emotive word exists in our language to describe our experience of rejection. A point in which to start is an acknowledgment that we are social animals and very few of us choose to live in isolation from others.

Research by psychologists Roy Bauminster and Mark Leary[i] put forward a compelling argument for why we make the decision to closely connect and bond with others. They suggest that as social animals we have the need for a sense of ‘belongingness.’ They argue that this need motivates us to form close personal attachments with significant others in our lives and, even when the connection with a significant other no longer brings us any emotional or financial benefit, we find it very difficult to break the bond. This suggests that our need to belong transcends our need for physical security, rather it provides us with a sense of purpose or meaning in our life which it appears from the research is a necessary part of our well-being.

It is not surprising then that we have a powerful word in our dictionary for a state of ‘not belonging,’ the word rejection, and that when we are rejected, by a group or individual that we have a desire to form, or already have formed, a close connection with, we experience a powerful emotional response as our need for belongingness is being threatened.

Turning next to how individuals differentially define rejection. Most people if asked to define rejection would likely cite specific cases of their own personal experience. The particular instance chosen by them being either the most salient or meaningful, or their most recent rejection experience and therefore the example most easily brought to mind.

Recently, I asked four people to give me their definition of rejection and these were the responses I received;

“Rejection is someone not accepting me for who I am and then leaving me”

“Someone who refuses my request”

“Lack of acceptance, understanding and love”

“Someone not wanting you”

Expanding on these differences in definition, imagine if someone had recently experienced being rejected by their partner or had been made redundant or not been accepted for a job position or university course, or not had their telephone call returned, these different events will more readily spring to the mind of the individuals who have recently experienced them.

Further, and depending on the importance that the individual placed on the meaning of the rejection, their definition of rejection might have strong negative emphasis or minor negative inference and it will be placed somewhere on the individuals’ continuum of emotional impact. 

To conclude, our individual and subjective experience is not the only individual difference that determines our definition of rejection. Our definition can also be influenced by individual differences of mood, personality, levels of confidence and self-esteem, gender, culture, and our ability to regulate or control our emotional state.

In the next of my series on rejection, I look at more closely at the area of individual differences and how they impact on our subjective experience of rejection.

1Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.

Sexual Desire: What is it?

At Seventy Thirty, our Exclusive Matchmaking Team have to consider Sexual Desire in the context of long-term relationships.  To understand this, we have decided to do a series of blogs on Sexual Desire, the first, to simply understand what it is.

At a very basic level of understanding Sexual Desire is the body’s way of recognising and or telling you that it wants and needs to have sex. Psychologists support this idea stating that; we create a ‘mental representation’ of a goal involving sexual pleasure[1] before we have sex. However, where does the motivation for sexual desire come from?

All species have an instinctive biological drive or urge to pass on their genes to ensure its survival. We control sexual desire by weighing up the reward of having sex. The reward is more often sexual pleasure and or orgasm.  ‘Sex’ in its true sense is similar to our innate need to feed (appetite for sex) and drink (thirst for sex) and is known in psychology as ‘Motivation’[2]. To explain, think about this for a moment; what ‘motivates’ you to drink water?  The answer is ‘thirst’ and what it does to your body (dry mouth – sore head – low energy level). You need to drink water to bring the body back into a state of normality or feeling of contentment. So, it can be argued then that Sexual Desire is the motivator to have sex! However, remember this…you won’t die from not having sex but you will if you don’t rehydrate. 

As a species we have the ability to hold back from having sex. We undertake what’s known in the Sciences as ‘delayed gratification’, having sex when it’s acceptable and under the right circumstances.  As such, Psychologists believe evolution has brought about a certain element of disharmony between our existence today and to that of our primitive self’s ‘raison d'être’[3] (reason for existence).

We should think about how the brain has adjusted to understand and manage the world around it and be mindful of how we cope with sexual desire.     

If you’re single or in a relationship you will often experience consequences associated with sexual desire.  You will be faced with decisions of appropriateness or unfairness in carrying out sexually motivated behaviours. Consequences act as our moral compass in justifying sexual behaviours. If I do this, what will happen, what do I get out of it and what about the outcome, or the consequence? 

To conclude, we have evolved as social beings, thankfully.  However, our biological yearnings are still prevalent, operating for some, deep within the subconscious and for others at surface level and whom struggle with it day-to-day.  Keep it in mind that our brain structure’s ‘design’ hasn’t changed at all throughout – it hasn’t evolved.  So we can be forgiven for the way we think, feel and exist in 21st century life.  I suggest that our brain was ‘designed’ for a life already lived and in next week’s blog I will explore how life today, influences Sexual Desire in our decision making.

[1] Stoléru.S. (2006). Discssion. In E. Janssen (Ed.) The Psychophysiology of Sex (p.376). Bloomington: Indiana University Press.

[2] Robbins, T.W., & Everitt, B.J.(1996) Neurobehavioural mechanisms of reward and motivation. Current Opinion in Neurobiology, 6(2), 228-236.

[3] Toates,F. (2014). How Sexual Desire Works: The Enigmatic Urge. Cambridge; Clays. 

Exclusive Matchmaking - Rejection, How it can help us to improve our goals

Most of us have experienced social rejection, whether romantic or otherwise and most of us, at one time or another, might agree that the experience caused us emotional pain.

Fascinating neuroscientific evidence obtained by Naomi Eisenberger at UCLA, using fMRI brain scans[1], found that being socially rejected involves the activation of many of the same parts of the brain that are involved in our response to physical pain. In fact, further interesting research found evidence[2] to suggest that taking a normal dose of pain killer also helps to reduce our experience of emotional pain.

Reviewing the literature, Eisenberger goes on to suggest that this connection between physical pain and the emotional pain of social rejection makes evolutionary sense[3], in that experiencing hurt feelings when rejected would have helped ancestral man to nurture a secure connection with their care-giver and increase chances of survival.

So, what explanation can we offer then, in the face of the evidence even at our basic neural level, for the reason why it appears that some individuals seem to have more resilience to the experience of both physical pain and emotional pain including being rejected? 

One explanation suggested by psychological research into our experience of physical pain, has proposed that there are two components of pain; first the sensory part which makes us aware of the location and severity of the injury, and secondly an emotional reaction to the pain, in other words our own subjective assessment of how distressing the pain is.

These differences in the extent of our individual experience of pain, whether physical and/or emotional, are therefore arguably determined by our unique perception of the pain and the prevailing thoughts and feelings underlying that perception.

Whilst I am not suggesting that we should deny our emotional responses to pain, including the emotional pain of rejection, it is certainly useful to understand, what resilient people know already, that if we alter our thoughts about rejection, our feelings and perception will be similarly changed.

This leads me to the point of my blog…..by raising awareness about the potential benefits of rejection, the list below aims to offer the reader new information to help change existing beliefs and, rather than fearing rejection, we can decide instead to think about rejection in a more positive light and use our rejection experiences to develop personally and help achieve our goals.

1. Rejection hurts, we are programmed to feel it but by developing patience you will find it is not forever…we are also programmed to recover …
2. Let things go, do not languish in self-pity and self-doubt instead accept that there was a reason why this experience was not meant to be for you and use it to move on with your life.
3. Use rejection to motivate you to develop resilience, and you will be rewarded with increased confidence and optimism
4. Rejection can be seen as an opportunity to alter your path; assess your needs, develop your goals and start to make positive, realistic, achievable plans to meet those goals.
5. Live courageously and kindly, believe in yourself and do not allow your self worth to be determined by the view of others.

[1] Eisenberger, N. I., Lieberman, M. D., & Williams, K. D. (2003). Does rejection hurt: An fMRI study of social exclusion. Science, 302, 290–292.

[2] DeWall, C. N., MacDonald, G., Webster, G. D., Masten, C. L., Baumeister, R. F., Powell, C., . . . Eisenberger, N. I. (2010). Tylenol reduces social pain: Behavioral and neural evidence. Psychological Science, 21, 931–937.

[3] Eisenberger, N. I. (2012). Broken hearts and broken bones: A neural perspective on the similarities between social and physical pain. Current Directions in Psychological Science 21, 42–47

Exclusive Matchmaking - How to beat the (single) January blues

At Seventy Thirty, Exclusive Dating Agency, our team of international matchmakers discuss how you can overcome the January blues and get ourselves back on track for a successful 2015.

Clinical Psychologists[1] have suggested that increased mental activity, setting yourselves challenges, partaking in physical activities and increased social activity allow for better mental health during the January slump. These aspects can also be applied to your love life, to give it a kick start this New Year.

Mental Activity: Increase your mental activity by increasing your own emotional awareness and intelligence

Spend time today thinking and identifying your habits in your dating life: are you attracted to a ‘type’ of person? Are you the rescuer? Are you preventing yourself from meeting new people? Are you putting your professional life before your personal one?

Allowing yourself time to exercise your mind and think about your life objectively is the first step in creating positivity. Instead of thinking why these issues have occurred, focus on how you can make positive change to prevent them from continuing. This method of thinking will allow you to develop your own awareness, allowing you to make a mental plan for future goals and subsequently letting you feel better and in control.

Top Tip: It is easy for us to use avoidance as a coping mechanism and allowing yourself to think “it’s just a touch of the January blues”. However this is classed as verbalised avoidance, preventing you from moving into a more positive space and welcoming positive change.

Set yourself a Challenge: Giving yourself one realistic challenge allows you to set yourself up for success

Choose one thing in your personal life you would like to do. With only 8% of resolutions being upheld, keeping the challenge to a minimum improves the likeliness of success. This challenge could be to spend one Saturday clearing the clutter at home asking yourself what you really need in your life or it may be to approach one person to see if they might like a coffee with you.

Top Tip: Make small changes to your life which are achievable rather than making declarations of great change to avoid failure and falling into old habits. Once you have achieved your goal, move onto a new challenge.

Partaking in physical Activities: Being active allows you to clear your mind, promoting self-awareness and positivity

The release of endorphins from exercise triggers feelings of pleasure and happiness, so encouraging yourself to make the first step into engaging in physical activity will not go unrewarded.

Being active also allows you to expand your interests, allowing you to immerse yourself in new and interesting endeavours. Joining a new exercise club or encouraging yourself to try one new exercise you have not tried before, will allow you to meet new people which in turn encourages new social activity. Be open to allowing new social connections, encouraging to see people you find interesting away from your new group.

Increased Social Activity: To help beat those January blues increase your social activity which can additionally allow you to meet

When you have allowed yourself time to mentally understand the positive changes you would like to make, and have taken the time to engage in new and exciting psychical exercise, you will start to feel more inclination and enthusiasm to meet new people. Signing up to classes which will provide you with new interests, enrolling in activities such as photography group, wine groups, reading clubs, art exhibits etc., may catch your interest and allow you to meet likeminded people, widening your social circle and increasing your opportunity to smile and have fun. This will help you to ‘get out there’, meeting people and becoming used to interacting on a social level which can build your ability to interact on a romantic level.

Top Tip: Understand that taking your own love life into your own hands is vital and meeting new people.

It is absolutely normal to feel a little low after the high of the holidays. Having some down time is good to get refreshed, but don’t become engulfed in the slump - keep active, be positive and look forward to a great 2015.

[1] Watkins, E. University of Exeter: Mood Disorders Centre.

Christmas: Tis The Season for…Reflection?

Christmas is a time of year where we pull our nearest and dearest close to us. But it is also a time of year that the gaps in our lives, and particularly our romantic lives, may become more apparent.

For the festive season, we quickly become wrapped in the busy periods of shopping, seeing loved ones, festive parties and indulging where we normally wouldn’t. However this could be a time of the year we take a step back and revaluate and reflect on what we have achieved in our relationship goals, and of course what we are looking to achieve for our future.

Reflection; Ask yourself the right questions

Take a moment today to reflect. It is easy to forget about your dating experiences, the patterns noticeable in your past relationships and the dating faux pas that keep reoccurring. We can also get carried away with looking for the ‘perfect person’, discounting individuals based on small aspects such as their height, hair colour or star sign, but instead should be considering looking for the ‘perfect relationship’ – a relationships where you are understanding of one another, having the same levels of compassion and valuing their needs and happiness as much as your own, receiving care and intimacy, sharing thoughts and sharing common interests with each other.

Reflection will help you regroup and enable you to understand what is truly important for finding love moving in to the New Year. By asking yourself the following questions, you will allow yourself time to reflect on your relationship history and its future;

Relationship Ideas;

1.     Who is my relationship role model?

2.     What type of relationship do they have?

3.     What issues do I think they have overcome together?

4.     How do I think they have done this?

5.     What is my idea of the perfect relationship for me?

6.     Where do my ideas of the perfect relationship stem from?

Past Relationships;

1.     What similarities in my past relationships has there been?

2.     What differences can be seen in my past relationships?

3.     Can I see emerging patterns in types of people I date or I am attracted to?

4.     Do I have reoccurring ideas that dominate my relationships or end my relationships?

5.     Do I act the same way when issues arise in my relationships?

About you;

1.     Am I happy in myself?

2.     What are the top three things that are important to my life?

3.     Do I have a good work life balance to allow for a committed relationship?

4.     Am I willing to put the time and effort into meeting someone new?

5.     Why do I think that I haven’t found this relationship so far?

6.     What changes do I need to make to myself to be the best partner?

Moving Forward;

1.     What am I actually doing to pro-actively find the love I hope for?

2.     Am I ready to accept a person into my life?

3.     What do I want from a relationship?

4.     What would my ideal relationship be like?

5.     What are deal breakers for me in a relationship?

By being open with yourself will help you recognise and acknowledge the areas in your romantic life that may need more work for the New Year. This honesty will often cause ambivalence on if we should move forward with certain relationships, if we are looking for the right type of relationship or if we need new goals or our expectations of others, realigned. Change is uncomfortable and often we find ourselves falling into old habits or discounting people based on trivial aspects. However, remember that acknowledgment of where change is needed is the first step to creating a plan moving forward.

Sometimes acting as our own life coach can be tricky as our self-talk may not reflect what is best for us. In this case it might be useful for us to chat to a third party – a life coach/relationship coach who can help to achieve the change needed to help you fulfil your relationship goals. After all, there is no progress without change.

Seasonal Festive Stress: The Effects on Couples and How to Manage it.

Psychologists note that the majority of individuals who encounter stress over the festive period fail to recognise or acknowledge it, putting it down to tiredness or hangovers. When spending more money than usual, spending time with in-laws, guests and extended family, coupled with corporate festive commitments, demands (and tall orders) from children or from family members.  It’s no surprise– we can see that the expectation of a Perfect Christmas, goes hand in hand with stress.

For couples, there is additional stress: trying to make the time together special, meeting each other’s expectations for the festive period and trying to manage the festive period together – so by midnight on New Year’s Eve, they still have each other to kiss.

Causes of Seasonal Stress

The two weeks before Christmas is one of the ‘peak times’ for couples to break-up, the festive holidays notoriously bring to the surface the little cracks in relationships, possibly causing relationships already struggling to break down. It’s important to understand the causes for stress before knowing how to reduce or manage them, ensuring your relationship stays strong over the Christmas period and into the New Year.

Expectations:  Whether it be the expectations of children, wanting that ‘must-have’ toy, or the expectations of family, friends and partners; it’s important to be realistic. Do not try to achieve the impossible and remember to be inclusive of your partner. If you are attending events together, or family event, make sure you do not leave them out or exclude them in conversations – it is easy to be complacent with the people we love the most.

‘Our Christmas’:  The term ‘our’ is important. ‘In our house we do this…’, ‘for our Christmas we always’.  If you are a new couple, merging the traditions you are both used to can cause stress for both of you. For the more established relationships we often use the terms ‘our’ ‘us’ ‘we’. Speaking, arranging, or organising, for another person can cause them additional stress. Be mindful.

Logistics:  We are expected to share ourselves throughout the festive holidays, often between our own family and that of our partners. If your families do not live close to one another, stress can often be the result of trying to visit everyone within a short space of time.

Patience:  Stress is often caused when a loved one runs out of patience, with added pressure, we often become short and snappy. If you see this happening, make sure you acknowledge and recognise it and say the important words: ‘I’m sorry’.

Role Reversal:  When you visit parents, Psychologists see a shift from you being the adult to suddenly being your parent’s child again and quickly adapting to the house rules. This is a difficult task when trying to get your partner, and possibly children, to do the same. It is important to acknowledge how your partner might perceive this role shift as it may make them feel quite uncomfortable, especially if you do not visit your parents often. This will cause stress for you and your partner.

How to Manage Seasonal Stress

Make time for Each other:  Making time for your partner is important. Although you and your partner will be jointly attending all the festivities, with the Christmas rush it is easy to muddle through and forget to spend time alone with your partner. Make a few dates where you will spend time alone together to stay connected – visit Christmas markets, attending the ballet or a theatre production. Whatever you enjoy as a couple, make time for one other. Remember that as stress increases, the care for your relationship should also increase.

Communication:  This is key. Speaking to each other will help build and maintain the romantic bond. If you feel your partner is being unrealistic, speak with them about your concerns and tell them what is important for you. Take a step back and look at your own behaviour – we often see ourselves as not being in the wrong but try and see yourself from your partner’s perspective. If an apology is in order, acknowledge it.

Being united:  ‘Our’ Christmas and the way you used to do it changes when you’re in a relationship. Create your own traditions, recognising the important things to both of you from your childhood or past that you both want to continue forward.

Helping each other:  Often when your partner is stressed, it is easy to offer advice. Be careful here, because this can come across as that you can handle the situation better than them, creating feelings of inadequacy. Instead, offer a compassionate ear. Often unloading the feeling of stress can help share the load whereas. Affection, which releases the love hormone Oxytocin, also helps reduce stress so cuddling your partner will help lift their mood.

Create a Plan:  Pre-arranging when you will see each other’s family, shop, organise, prepare and even tidy for the festive Holidays will help manage each other’s expectations and that of others.

Time:  Give yourself enough time to complete the mundane tasks as well as the things you will enjoy together. Avoid leaving things to the last minute so you can have that added time with your partner instead of wrapping last minute gifts.

Although Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, taking notice of your partner and their feelings throughout the festive period will help make them feel special and cared for, allowing you both to enjoy the festivities.