A new take on body-language, part 3 – how we can make it work to our advantage

Our previous two blogs in this series highlighted the importance of understanding body language and how the most successful people read non-verbal cues in others.  In this blog we explain how we can join the elite and allow our body language to do the talking for us.  As matchmakers we are keenly aware of how important it is to be conscious of what we’re communicating to others non-verbally, because research has shown when non-verbal and verbal cues are contradictory, we base our judgement on body language.

What you show yourself you show the world

Let’s start with making ourselves feel great, because the better we feel the less self-conscious we are and the more inspiring we are to others and the better our relationships.  Therefore, do everything you can to make yourself feel comfortable and look your best, as this will instantly alter your posture and deportment.  If you feel anxious, deliberately assuming the posture and gestures of someone confident sends feedback to the brain that all is well, and consequently you start to feel the way you are behaving.

Assume the demeanour of a king to inspire confidence and reverence

As Fox Cabane (2012) says, to understand poise, visualise the behaviour of a king in his court, composed and collected, and compare this with a king’s servants, over-eager and anxious to please.  Excessive non-verbal reassurance, head-nodding and fidgeting are associated with low rank.  Truly exceptional, high-end people do not behave in this way, as they are not desperate for approval.  Therefore avoid being over the top with gestures, conveying restlessness, finger tapping and excessive head-nodding if you want to present with confidence and charm.

Make or break the date with your eyes…

Without the right eye contact, all other attempts at creating expressive body language will fail. We can read so much from people’s eyes, which is why poker players often play with sunglasses on!  We have all had the experience of someone looking over our shoulder when we are talking to them.  Many a date has been ruined by such behaviour – roaming eyes are one of the top complaints men and women have about each other when dating.  Eye contact is powerful.  In an experiment where strangers were sat opposite each other and asked to count the number of times their counterpart blinked, the result was feelings of affection and even passion in the other person.  This is due to a hormone called PEA which is released into the bloodstream when eye contact is intense.  So don’t be afraid to hold eye contact (without overdoing it, which could produce the opposite result) and use a soft focus when talking to your date.   Eye contact alone can be pivotal in creating the ultimate romantic relationship.

Mirror mirror

Mirroring the body language of your partner or date is what successful people do instinctively.  To get insight into the mind-set of the other person you are with, literally mirror back their posture which will also serve to put them at ease.  Most people stop at this point, but to truly excel with this technique, mirror then lead.  Use mirroring first, then gradually adopt a more relaxed stance as if you were in luxury surroundings, and generally the other person will follows suit, paving the way for a strong connection. 

‘Love is always open arms.  If you close your arms to love you will find you are only left holding yourself’. Leo Buscaglia

Hands and arms, like eyes are speaking volumes about our intentions, insecurities and inner state when interacting with others.  Wringing and clasping convey nervousness, as does clinging which is a survival action developed through evolution.  When making introductions here at Seventy Thirty, we encourage open, relaxed arms which convey warmth and can be seen to be inviting.  Upward palms and outstretched arms communicate honesty and signal trust.  Steepling the hands indicates presence and high confidence and is frequently seen in leaders.  Be careful about drawing hands away quickly which suggests a change in mood or a change of heart, which may or may not be a miscommunication to your date.

To increase your expertise in non-verbal communication further, read our ‘Matchmaking in different locations’ blog series which includes some international perspectives on cultural differences in body language.

References

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York.

Fox Cabane, O. (2012).  The Charisma Myth.  New York: Penguin Group.

A new take on body-language, part 2 – what behaviour tells us about the intentions and feelings of others

The last blog explored how understanding body language is vital for creating a magnificent and exclusive relationship.  As luxury matchmakers we are committed to helping our members connect with other elite individuals, and understanding the non-verbal side of communication can be the catalyst for connection.  Therefore the second blog of this series focuses on specific behaviours, their origins and what these gestures reveal. 

Read the feet not the face

According to Novello, the most revelatory part of the body is not the face but the feet.  Millions of years of evolution means that our limbic brain has registered freezing, running or kicking as primitive responses to threat, and this still manifests in our behaviour today.  Feet don’t deceive, whereas we often compose our faces into expressions designed to conceal our emotions.  Turning the feet away signals disengagement and a readiness to leave a situation.  Standing with legs crossed is a sign of comfort, if comfort lessens, we tend to plant both feet on the ground, or if seated, lock our feet around the legs of a chair.  This is the limbic brain providing protection in readiness to freeze or run.  In contrast, in dating situations women will also engage in ‘shoe-play’ slipping shoes on and off.  This is a ‘notice me’ behaviour and should be taken as encouragement.  In dates and partnerships that are going well, the couple will place their feet close together, but watch this change if an uncomfortable topic surfaces! 

Soothing behaviours

If a situation is making a person uncomfortable, the brain requires the body to do something that will stimulate nerve endings, releasing calming endorphins in the brain to restore equilibrium.  Therefore self-soothing behaviours show us that someone is going through discomfort.  These self-calming gestures manifest as rubbing the forehead and touching the face, exhaling with puffed out cheeks and rubbing the arms.  Placing the hand over the throat or playing with a necklace is a behaviour which evolved from protecting this vulnerable area in primitive times.  Rubbing the neck is a stress relieving gesture as it locates the vagus nerve which slows the heart rate down.  Any of these behaviours can serve as a prompt to explore the cause of the discomfort and seek solutions.

Leaning and turning

For billions of years we have put distance between what harms or repels us.  Our brains are therefore hard-wired to turn away (in evolution to protect the vital organs), or lean away from people we find displeasing or threatening.  In presidential debates, the candidates lean away from each other even though they are seated at a distance.  Compare this with lovers who can often be seen leaning towards each other.  If your date is displaying this behaviour this is a sign of comfort and trust.  Chest-shielding behaviour in the form of arm-crossing, and even buttoning up a suit can signify discomfort – the limbic brain is driving these behaviours.

The lip purse

People purse their lips or press their lips together when they disagree with something being said.  The benefit in recognising this is vividly illustrated by Navarro & Karlins (2008) who was trying to secure a contract with a multinational corporation by presenting the contract points in order.  When negotiating a particular point, the director of the prospective corporation did nothing other than purse his lips.  Knowing this to be a sign that something was wrong, Navarro initiated discussion and negotiation immediately allowing an agreement to be thrashed out and sealing a multimillion-dollar deal. 

The face

Contrary to popular opinion, the face can be difficult to decipher.  We become proficient at composing our features from an early age in order to conform socially and hide what we do not want the world to know.  However, much is still revealed, and sometimes the contradiction between what is voiced and what is expressed on the face is astounding.  The eyes convey warmth and are wide with dilated pupils when we are in the presence of someone who sparks our interest.  However, they are the first thing to leave the other person when we are bored or unimpressed with a remark.  Eye squinting is also a distancing behaviour, with eye-blocking (hands over face or shutting the eyes) indicating a strong adverse emotional reaction.  And if your date tilts their head, this exposes the neck (a vulnerable area) and is a gesture often seen in courtship when bonds are being formed.

The last blog in this series will give you some tips on how we can make our body language work to our advantage.

References

Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed. Understanding faces and feelings. Pheonix, London.

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York. 

A new take on body-language, part 1 – why it’s the most authentic form of communication

Research indicates that people who understand and accurately interpret body language reach greater levels of success in all areas of their lives, especially in relation to romance.  As matchmakers here at Seventy Thirty, we are keenly aware that non-verbal language allows us to nurture healthy relationships, identify and subsequently address problems and strengthen business alliances and friendships.  The ability to read body language is therefore imperative in relationships and tragic circumstances can occur when it is overlooked.  This is when we hear stories such as, “my partner is leaving, I had no idea he was unhappy” and “I never suspected for a minute my wife was having an affair”. Such situations may have been prevented or addressed early on, potentially preserving these precious relationships.  

We all have all know the importance of deciphering body language, and many of us are proficient at reading the non-verbal cues of others.  However, advances in neural-imaging technology have taken the knowledge base in this area to a whole new level by revealing the biological and evolutionary basis for body language.  Consequently, researchers have new insights into this field which we will explore over a series of three blogs with a view to reaping the benefits of these discoveries.

It can be quite daunting to consider how much we give away non-verbally.  Each of us transmits thousands of signals.  Even one snapshot of an individual will reveal facial expressions, gestures, kinetics and posture in addition to grooming, style of dress and body adornment, all of which can be analysed and interpreted.  This is before we even get around to tone, timbre and clarity of speech.  Great benefits for our relationships can therefore be found not only in reading cues in others, but in being aware of the impact of our own body language.

The most honest mode of communication

Developments in the field of non-verbal communication suggest that the most honest form of communication is our body language.  The reason for this is that it is generated from the ‘limbic brain’ which is primitive and reacts automatically to events.  As the limbic brain is the product of years of evolutionary development, it cannot easily be repressed and the resulting manifestations of behaviour are likely to be a true representation of our intentions and feelings.

Compare this with the ‘neocortex brain’ which is a newer part of the brain that thinks and reasons.  Here we have the ability to manage what we verbalise, to construct responses, and of course to deceive!  The quickest route to understanding someone is therefore to observe behaviour as the limbic brain will give us away to some extent, however much we try to manage how we are coming across.

Where to begin

The starting point for reading body language is seemingly elementary – we have to notice it. Novarro & Karlins (2008) stress the importance of this by quoting Sherlock Holmes who said to partner Dr Watson, “you see but you do not observe”.  Every observation of an individual and of interaction between people is rich with cues.  However, as these cues can often be subtle we need to be pick up on small details – Sherlock again, “to a great mind, nothing is little”.  This will give us the information we need to understand and create great connections when we’re dating and subsequently wonderful relationships with our romantic partners.

Having explored the origins and rationale for taking a biological stance to understanding body language, the next blog will focus on specific behaviours, their origins and what they reveal about intentions and emotions.  

References

De Gelder, B. (2006). Towards the neurobiology of emotional body language. Nature Reviews Neuroscience (7). Pp. 242-249.

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York. 

You can only gain as much as you put in!

Business-savvy men and women tend to invest in finding love and a relationship using the same energy, creativity and passion that led to their career success. Seeking a partner should be viewed as an investment in your life, and should be approached using many of the same principles you apply to other major life decisions, such as finding the right job or the right home. When seeking a partner, we subconsciously rate ourselves on desirability factors such as physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, wealth, youthfulness and health. People with high levels of self-awareness and self-esteem are more likely to rate themselves accurately and therefore have a realistic view of true compatibility.

Once you have found a truly equal partnership (and remember this is not solely a question of looks, which may not come into the equation at all, but equals in terms of humour, outlook, values, hopes, dreams and beliefs), the next stage is investing in the relationship. Psychologists have recognised a parallel between economics and relationships: relationships work on an exchange of costs and benefits, similar to the marketplace. A relationship will be successful if both partners perceive that the rewards, costs and contributions to the relationship are equal on both sides. As Eric Fromm, the German psychologist and philosopher, once said: ‘Love is often nothing but a favourable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market.’

However, problems can occur when people take these kinds of business principles too far and expect to invest a minimum amount for the maximum return. Relationships, unfortunately, don’t work like that – you can only gain as much as you put in (there is no such thing as a bargain!). People who have high levels of self-awareness are more likely to assess the balance of investment and reward from both sides of the relationship and maintain equilibrium. If you approach relationships intelligently and with the same passion, creativity, spontaneity, time and effort that you apply at work, then the rewards for both partners can be wonderful.

Vanity Fair - The A List & Seventy Thirty Exclusive Matchmaking

Never mind the little black dress—Susie Ambrose has the little black book to die for. Sign up to her innovative and exclusive matchmaking consultancy, Seventy Thirty, and you get all the insights of a team of qualified psychologists, to up your relationship game

http://alist.vanityfair.co.uk/meeting-of-minds-5490/

What not to do after a break up!

The matchmakers at Seventy Thirty often give advice on what to do after a break up but we don’t often write about what not to do. This blog therefore gives a few tips on things to avoid doing after you break up with that special someone.

Act like nothing’s happened When a relationship ends your standard answer for how you’re feeling will more often than not be ‘I’m fine! Everything is absolutely fine’. It is of course possible to feel you have made the right decision when things come to end however it is vital to acknowledge what has happened and to move on from it in a happy and healthy way. You may not wish to share your inner most thoughts on the subject with anyone who asks, however it is ok to be honest about your feelings with those you trust and to ask for support when needed.

Continue the relationship as ‘just friends’ Contrary to popular belief it is extremely rare for lovers to remain good friends once a relationship ends. The reality is that until you are at a stage where you would feel happy for your ex-partner to date someone else and vice versa, ‘just good friends’ isn’t an option. When the relationship is over take time to remember who you are as a single person without your partner in your life. Cut all contact for at least two - three months so you can function fully without them and allow yourself time to heal and move on.

Unleash hell Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold so although you may initially want to cut all the trouser legs off his suits or throw her favourite pair of Christian Louboutin’s into the trash, don’t. The best thing you can do is to move on with an open mind and love in your heart so that when you meet someone new you are in the right frame of mind. Nothing says revenge more than moving on to something happier so if the relationship ended because of wrongdoing on your ex partners side then let go of any bitterness towards them and let karma take care of the rest.

Beg Even god cannot control freewill so begging someone to love you if their heart isn’t in it any more is not going to work. Someone should be with you because they love you and want to be there, not because you begged and they felt sorry for you so they gave things another go. Take pride in your response to a breakup as if deep down you know it’s over then more often than not, it’s over.

Have post breakup sex We’ve all been in that situation where you have the chance to sleep with someone ‘for old times sake’ but after a breakup it is best to avoid this. Like it or not sex involves feelings so you may think ‘it won’t mean anything’ but it will and if either of you isn’t quite over the initial breakup, sex will only complicate things. So break contact in all senses of the word and allow yourself to move on completely.

Think it’s all over If you thought you’d found ‘the one’ and you are no longer with that person then it’s safe to say they were just ‘a one’ and not ‘the one’. It doesn’t mean the relationship was any less special or that your feelings weren’t real it just means they weren’t your future.  So don’t fall into the trap of thinking that was your only shot at a happy ever after and instead learn from what was wrong and what was right about the relationship. Be positive and keep the faith that ‘your one’ is out there just waiting to be found.