Social media: what it can cost your relationship

Social media has in many ways made communication and connection much easier than it ever was before. It reduces distances to a Skype call, and means that there is rarely a reason to not keep in touch with loved ones, our lives now neatly displayed in a digital version across Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, to name a few. This is a wonderful innovation to bring us closer together, however the Seventy Thirty Specialist Matchmakers look at the negative effect it can have on areas in intimate relationships with our partners.

* Time: Having constant access to material and information, can result in social media consuming much more time in everyday life then one realises. If you are not aware and do not keep track of this, it can land up taking away from the time you have to talk to your partner, and build the relationship.

*Distraction: How often have you lain in bed and been scrolling through Facebook, rather than taking that time to connect with your partner after a long day. Even if you are talking, are either of you really listening or trying to catch up with the latest news on social media? Put your phones down when you get into bed and do not pick them up again until the morning.

*Always Active: When was the last time you took some time out and thought, felt, focussed all your attention on your partner, or yourself? Social media has become an added drain as it is always active. Too often now days, if someone has time off, instead of investing it into relationships, it will be used to see what is happening in the greater world. Social media never turns off and this means that now we also too struggle to turn off. Look to press the power button and take time out.

*Privacy:  What happened in the past, could be left in the past, and we could move forward, and choose how to share those stories and memories. However, now as much of life is shared on the ever evolving face of social media, it can be there to stay. Now our past and present partners have found a place to meet – on the playing field of social media. This can lead to seeing things about your partners, or them about you, that you would prefer not to see or share. A good rule for this is do not snoop, as this raises paranoia and undermines trust, and think carefully before cataloguing your entire life online.

When it comes to relationships, keep strong boundaries. Set the time aside for your relationship and do not let that be eroded by distraction or constant activity. The person there in front of you, is much more deserving of your full attention, then the hundreds that surround you by the virtue of virtual reality. 

8 reasons kissing is good for your health!

https://uk.style.yahoo.com/8-reasons-kissing-is-good-for-your-health-133427764.html

Great Love Stories - Love in Literature

Our favourite books could reveal much about our individual views of romance. As people grow up the stories they treasure shape their expectations and attitudes towards relationships.

When Jane Austen won a spot on a British bank note many fans rejoiced. Critics of romantic fiction were less pleased, however. A criticism of Austen is that her heroines are purely driven by romance but is this true?

One of the most beloved figures in literature is Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennet, an intelligent and determined woman of 20 years. Elizabeth is self-educated, witty and quite determined to marry a man of her choosing, if she marries at all.

“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.” Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

She rejects proposals from men in the face of family pressure and personal dislike and only agrees to marry Darcy when he proves his devotion to her and learns to be less proud. She is hailed as a proto-feminist and indeed the development of women’s rights can be traced through literature.

Unhealthy relationships can of course be found. Characters can be ‘crazy in love’, what psychologists term limerance (Tennov, 1975). The central relationship in Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina (1877) falls into this category. From their first meeting Anna is infatuated with Count Vronsky and becomes compelled to leave her husband and child to be with him. He is similarly obsessed but finds this does not lead to contentment.

“Vronsky, meanwhile, in spite of the complete realization of what he had so long desired, was not perfectly happy. He soon felt that the realisation of his desires gave him no more than a grain of sand out of the mountain of happiness he had expected. It showed him the mistake men make in picturing to themselves happiness as the realisation of their desires.” Leopold Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)

Their love story has a famously tragic end as her jealousy and remorse for losing custody of her son drives her to commit suicide. The parallel relationship of Levin and Kitty survives an early rejection to become far more fulfilling and an example of a healthy, trusting relationship.

A rather extreme case of commitment can be found in classical text The Odyssey by Homer. The hero Odysseus spent ten years fighting with the Greek army at Troy and then took the long way home, journeying for a further ten years. Though assured her husband had died, his wife Penelope remained steadfast in her commitment and refused all 108 suitors.

Not reconciling oneself to past heartbreak or being adequately prepared for marriage is a common source of tragedy. Perhaps the most iconic love story in American literature, Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler had a tempestuous relationship over several years, during which Scarlett pined for her first love. Madame Bovary’s dissatisfaction with married life led to affairs. Thérèse Raquin - pushed into an unhappy marriage to her cousin by her aunt – began an affair which led to the poisoning of her husband and a protagonist tormented by guilt. Not a relationship one should copy.

One of the journeys we take towards adulthood is learning from the mistakes and follies of others, be they real or fictional. The next part of this series looks at famous real life romances and what insight can be gained from them.

References:

Jane Austen (1813). Pride and Prejudice

Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and limerence: the experience of being in love.

Leo Tolstoy (1877). Anna Karenina.

Homer (date unknown). The Odyssey.

Margaret Mitchell (1936). Gone With The Wind.

Gustave Flaubert (1857). Madame Bovary.

Émile Zola (1867). Terese Raquin.

Flirting: The good, the bad…

A little flirting is healthy, fun and sometimes completely automatic (or unintentional). We have written about all about the art of flirting and how it helps in those initial stages of forming a romantic connection. However, following the release of our flirting blogs, we received many enquiries about the negative side of flirting.

Naturally when we are attracted to someone without any intent, we may flirt through our body language, pupils dilating, tone of voice changing. Flirting behaviors is culturally universal and also evident in animals. This is happening unconsciously, however, flirting can also be very deliberate, we can learn the art of flirting and whilst this can be all playful and fun. Perhaps there is a dark side that we should explore....

Abusing power or flirting to get our own way

Often people flirt with another for personal gain. This may be for something simple and harmless, such as a drink on an evening out – but can lead to individuals flirting for other reasons, such as promotion at work, which is affectionately termed Flirking, but scientifically coined as ‘strategic flirting’. However, Females who are in a masculine dominant environment and engage in flirtatious smiles at work or playing dumb for attraction sake, have been found to be treated with less respect or left out of promotions/meetings2.

Flirting to get our own way can also be seen in relationships – you may affectionately speak with your partner, doing something you know they find irresistible before asking them to fix the toilet seat, or drop the bombshell that your parents are coming to visit – although intended to be harmless, this use of flirting can be seen as manipulation and can lead to hard feelings and mistrust.

Leading people on for self-gratification

Often people will flirt for self-gratification with no intention of looking for a romantic partner or follow on dates – therefore simply using flirtatious behavior to make themselves feel more attractive, or more important. When these people flirt, they feel good, and the behavior is rewarded with a psychological buzz and hormonal release, boosting their own ego. They may flirt with someone, and when it is reciprocated, act shocked or as if they weren’t flirting – meaning the recipient becomes confused and less likely to trust their own judgment at finding a romantic mate.

People may also lead someone on for self-gratification when in a relationship – engaging in what they deem to see as ‘harmless flirting with no intention’ with a stranger. This leads us on to flirting whilst in relationships:

Being flirtatious with another whilst in a relationship - does this cross a boundary?

When you are flirting whilst in a relationship, but not with your partner, you are engaging in what is believed, from my own blog series, to being behaving as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions[1]. Primarily, this is leading someone on for self gratification, creating a sense that you are available. This ‘playful’ action provides you with the chemical and psychological boost described in my previous blog The Importance of Flirting [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/6/flirting-series-the-importance-of-flirting]. This chemical boost, alike to adrenaline, can become addictive, exciting, exhilarating. In tern, you find yourself needing to gain the boost from engaging in flirtatious behaviours and equally having these behaviours reciprocated – reciprocation is key as you are rewarded with what psychologists deem as ‘positive reinforcement’. After a period of time, you may find that this chemical boost will become something which you now cannot gain from your current partner, someone whom you are meant to love and care for, or from within your relationship. It will leave you questioning your own relationship for the forbidden fruit, the sexual desire.

Looking at flirting in a relationship from this perspective shows that flirting outside of the relationship does cross a boundary. You should be aware that your desire and particularly your actions on the desire, may begin to make your partner feel undervalued, unimportant and unable to satisfy you – this in tern creates an wedge between you both within your relationship. It is widely known that you cannot start an affair without fancying someone, and fancying someone – finding that important chemistry - comes from flirting.

Within the Psychological field, flirting with someone outside of your relationship can be seen as Relational Transgression (RT). RT happens when an individual breaks relationship rules – both spoken and expected. This psychological contract between a couple is hard to rebuild however, If you find yourself in this situation, speak with your partner and have open dialog on what is acceptable and how you both feel. Open communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, boundaries will enable you to both feel secure and safe - allowing you to both get your relationship back on track.

[1] http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/flirt

2 http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2013/08/07/new-research-looks-into-strategic-flirtation-in-the-workplace/