You can only gain as much as you put in!

Business-savvy men and women tend to invest in finding love and a relationship using the same energy, creativity and passion that led to their career success. Seeking a partner should be viewed as an investment in your life, and should be approached using many of the same principles you apply to other major life decisions, such as finding the right job or the right home. When seeking a partner, we subconsciously rate ourselves on desirability factors such as physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, wealth, youthfulness and health. People with high levels of self-awareness and self-esteem are more likely to rate themselves accurately and therefore have a realistic view of true compatibility.

Once you have found a truly equal partnership (and remember this is not solely a question of looks, which may not come into the equation at all, but equals in terms of humour, outlook, values, hopes, dreams and beliefs), the next stage is investing in the relationship. Psychologists have recognised a parallel between economics and relationships: relationships work on an exchange of costs and benefits, similar to the marketplace. A relationship will be successful if both partners perceive that the rewards, costs and contributions to the relationship are equal on both sides. As Eric Fromm, the German psychologist and philosopher, once said: ‘Love is often nothing but a favourable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market.’

However, problems can occur when people take these kinds of business principles too far and expect to invest a minimum amount for the maximum return. Relationships, unfortunately, don’t work like that – you can only gain as much as you put in (there is no such thing as a bargain!). People who have high levels of self-awareness are more likely to assess the balance of investment and reward from both sides of the relationship and maintain equilibrium. If you approach relationships intelligently and with the same passion, creativity, spontaneity, time and effort that you apply at work, then the rewards for both partners can be wonderful.

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What not to do after a break up!

The matchmakers at Seventy Thirty often give advice on what to do after a break up but we don’t often write about what not to do. This blog therefore gives a few tips on things to avoid doing after you break up with that special someone.

Act like nothing’s happened When a relationship ends your standard answer for how you’re feeling will more often than not be ‘I’m fine! Everything is absolutely fine’. It is of course possible to feel you have made the right decision when things come to end however it is vital to acknowledge what has happened and to move on from it in a happy and healthy way. You may not wish to share your inner most thoughts on the subject with anyone who asks, however it is ok to be honest about your feelings with those you trust and to ask for support when needed.

Continue the relationship as ‘just friends’ Contrary to popular belief it is extremely rare for lovers to remain good friends once a relationship ends. The reality is that until you are at a stage where you would feel happy for your ex-partner to date someone else and vice versa, ‘just good friends’ isn’t an option. When the relationship is over take time to remember who you are as a single person without your partner in your life. Cut all contact for at least two - three months so you can function fully without them and allow yourself time to heal and move on.

Unleash hell Revenge is indeed a dish best served cold so although you may initially want to cut all the trouser legs off his suits or throw her favourite pair of Christian Louboutin’s into the trash, don’t. The best thing you can do is to move on with an open mind and love in your heart so that when you meet someone new you are in the right frame of mind. Nothing says revenge more than moving on to something happier so if the relationship ended because of wrongdoing on your ex partners side then let go of any bitterness towards them and let karma take care of the rest.

Beg Even god cannot control freewill so begging someone to love you if their heart isn’t in it any more is not going to work. Someone should be with you because they love you and want to be there, not because you begged and they felt sorry for you so they gave things another go. Take pride in your response to a breakup as if deep down you know it’s over then more often than not, it’s over.

Have post breakup sex We’ve all been in that situation where you have the chance to sleep with someone ‘for old times sake’ but after a breakup it is best to avoid this. Like it or not sex involves feelings so you may think ‘it won’t mean anything’ but it will and if either of you isn’t quite over the initial breakup, sex will only complicate things. So break contact in all senses of the word and allow yourself to move on completely.

Think it’s all over If you thought you’d found ‘the one’ and you are no longer with that person then it’s safe to say they were just ‘a one’ and not ‘the one’. It doesn’t mean the relationship was any less special or that your feelings weren’t real it just means they weren’t your future.  So don’t fall into the trap of thinking that was your only shot at a happy ever after and instead learn from what was wrong and what was right about the relationship. Be positive and keep the faith that ‘your one’ is out there just waiting to be found. 

Social media: what it can cost your relationship

Social media has in many ways made communication and connection much easier than it ever was before. It reduces distances to a Skype call, and means that there is rarely a reason to not keep in touch with loved ones, our lives now neatly displayed in a digital version across Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, to name a few. This is a wonderful innovation to bring us closer together, however the Seventy Thirty Specialist Matchmakers look at the negative effect it can have on areas in intimate relationships with our partners.

* Time: Having constant access to material and information, can result in social media consuming much more time in everyday life then one realises. If you are not aware and do not keep track of this, it can land up taking away from the time you have to talk to your partner, and build the relationship.

*Distraction: How often have you lain in bed and been scrolling through Facebook, rather than taking that time to connect with your partner after a long day. Even if you are talking, are either of you really listening or trying to catch up with the latest news on social media? Put your phones down when you get into bed and do not pick them up again until the morning.

*Always Active: When was the last time you took some time out and thought, felt, focussed all your attention on your partner, or yourself? Social media has become an added drain as it is always active. Too often now days, if someone has time off, instead of investing it into relationships, it will be used to see what is happening in the greater world. Social media never turns off and this means that now we also too struggle to turn off. Look to press the power button and take time out.

*Privacy:  What happened in the past, could be left in the past, and we could move forward, and choose how to share those stories and memories. However, now as much of life is shared on the ever evolving face of social media, it can be there to stay. Now our past and present partners have found a place to meet – on the playing field of social media. This can lead to seeing things about your partners, or them about you, that you would prefer not to see or share. A good rule for this is do not snoop, as this raises paranoia and undermines trust, and think carefully before cataloguing your entire life online.

When it comes to relationships, keep strong boundaries. Set the time aside for your relationship and do not let that be eroded by distraction or constant activity. The person there in front of you, is much more deserving of your full attention, then the hundreds that surround you by the virtue of virtual reality. 

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Great Love Stories - Love in Literature

Our favourite books could reveal much about our individual views of romance. As people grow up the stories they treasure shape their expectations and attitudes towards relationships.

When Jane Austen won a spot on a British bank note many fans rejoiced. Critics of romantic fiction were less pleased, however. A criticism of Austen is that her heroines are purely driven by romance but is this true?

One of the most beloved figures in literature is Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennet, an intelligent and determined woman of 20 years. Elizabeth is self-educated, witty and quite determined to marry a man of her choosing, if she marries at all.

“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.” Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)

She rejects proposals from men in the face of family pressure and personal dislike and only agrees to marry Darcy when he proves his devotion to her and learns to be less proud. She is hailed as a proto-feminist and indeed the development of women’s rights can be traced through literature.

Unhealthy relationships can of course be found. Characters can be ‘crazy in love’, what psychologists term limerance (Tennov, 1975). The central relationship in Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina (1877) falls into this category. From their first meeting Anna is infatuated with Count Vronsky and becomes compelled to leave her husband and child to be with him. He is similarly obsessed but finds this does not lead to contentment.

“Vronsky, meanwhile, in spite of the complete realization of what he had so long desired, was not perfectly happy. He soon felt that the realisation of his desires gave him no more than a grain of sand out of the mountain of happiness he had expected. It showed him the mistake men make in picturing to themselves happiness as the realisation of their desires.” Leopold Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)

Their love story has a famously tragic end as her jealousy and remorse for losing custody of her son drives her to commit suicide. The parallel relationship of Levin and Kitty survives an early rejection to become far more fulfilling and an example of a healthy, trusting relationship.

A rather extreme case of commitment can be found in classical text The Odyssey by Homer. The hero Odysseus spent ten years fighting with the Greek army at Troy and then took the long way home, journeying for a further ten years. Though assured her husband had died, his wife Penelope remained steadfast in her commitment and refused all 108 suitors.

Not reconciling oneself to past heartbreak or being adequately prepared for marriage is a common source of tragedy. Perhaps the most iconic love story in American literature, Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler had a tempestuous relationship over several years, during which Scarlett pined for her first love. Madame Bovary’s dissatisfaction with married life led to affairs. Thérèse Raquin - pushed into an unhappy marriage to her cousin by her aunt – began an affair which led to the poisoning of her husband and a protagonist tormented by guilt. Not a relationship one should copy.

One of the journeys we take towards adulthood is learning from the mistakes and follies of others, be they real or fictional. The next part of this series looks at famous real life romances and what insight can be gained from them.

References:

Jane Austen (1813). Pride and Prejudice

Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and limerence: the experience of being in love.

Leo Tolstoy (1877). Anna Karenina.

Homer (date unknown). The Odyssey.

Margaret Mitchell (1936). Gone With The Wind.

Gustave Flaubert (1857). Madame Bovary.

Émile Zola (1867). Terese Raquin.