Great Love Stories - Love in Literature
Our favourite books could reveal much about our individual views of romance. As people grow up the stories they treasure shape their expectations and attitudes towards relationships.
When Jane Austen won a spot on a British bank note many fans rejoiced. Critics of romantic fiction were less pleased, however. A criticism of Austen is that her heroines are purely driven by romance but is this true?
One of the most beloved figures in literature is Pride and Prejudice’s Elizabeth Bennet, an intelligent and determined woman of 20 years. Elizabeth is self-educated, witty and quite determined to marry a man of her choosing, if she marries at all.
“I am only resolved to act in that manner, which will, in my own opinion, constitute my happiness, without reference to you, or to any person so wholly unconnected with me.” Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice (1813)
She rejects proposals from men in the face of family pressure and personal dislike and only agrees to marry Darcy when he proves his devotion to her and learns to be less proud. She is hailed as a proto-feminist and indeed the development of women’s rights can be traced through literature.
Unhealthy relationships can of course be found. Characters can be ‘crazy in love’, what psychologists term limerance (Tennov, 1975). The central relationship in Tolstoy’s Anna Karenina (1877) falls into this category. From their first meeting Anna is infatuated with Count Vronsky and becomes compelled to leave her husband and child to be with him. He is similarly obsessed but finds this does not lead to contentment.
“Vronsky, meanwhile, in spite of the complete realization of what he had so long desired, was not perfectly happy. He soon felt that the realisation of his desires gave him no more than a grain of sand out of the mountain of happiness he had expected. It showed him the mistake men make in picturing to themselves happiness as the realisation of their desires.” Leopold Tolstoy, Anna Karenina (1877)
Their love story has a famously tragic end as her jealousy and remorse for losing custody of her son drives her to commit suicide. The parallel relationship of Levin and Kitty survives an early rejection to become far more fulfilling and an example of a healthy, trusting relationship.
A rather extreme case of commitment can be found in classical text The Odyssey by Homer. The hero Odysseus spent ten years fighting with the Greek army at Troy and then took the long way home, journeying for a further ten years. Though assured her husband had died, his wife Penelope remained steadfast in her commitment and refused all 108 suitors.
Not reconciling oneself to past heartbreak or being adequately prepared for marriage is a common source of tragedy. Perhaps the most iconic love story in American literature, Gone With The Wind’s Scarlett O’Hara and Rhett Butler had a tempestuous relationship over several years, during which Scarlett pined for her first love. Madame Bovary’s dissatisfaction with married life led to affairs. Thérèse Raquin - pushed into an unhappy marriage to her cousin by her aunt – began an affair which led to the poisoning of her husband and a protagonist tormented by guilt. Not a relationship one should copy.
One of the journeys we take towards adulthood is learning from the mistakes and follies of others, be they real or fictional. The next part of this series looks at famous real life romances and what insight can be gained from them.
References:
Jane Austen (1813). Pride and Prejudice
Tennov, Dorothy (1979). Love and limerence: the experience of being in love.
Leo Tolstoy (1877). Anna Karenina.
Homer (date unknown). The Odyssey.
Margaret Mitchell (1936). Gone With The Wind.
Gustave Flaubert (1857). Madame Bovary.
Émile Zola (1867). Terese Raquin.
How to save your relationship from a Brexit breakup?
Lemarc Thomas on Common Miscommunications in Relationships!
Does this sound somewhat familiar? We all want to find a relationship with true compatibility and a deep connection of the body, mind and soul. I believe this is achievable although sometimes, we expect that connection to just happen, rather than realising that perhaps we need to put in a little work in order for two complete individuals to share that harmonious coupled existence.
Flirting: The good, the bad…
A little flirting is healthy, fun and sometimes completely automatic (or unintentional). We have written about all about the art of flirting and how it helps in those initial stages of forming a romantic connection. However, following the release of our flirting blogs, we received many enquiries about the negative side of flirting.
Naturally when we are attracted to someone without any intent, we may flirt through our body language, pupils dilating, tone of voice changing. Flirting behaviors is culturally universal and also evident in animals. This is happening unconsciously, however, flirting can also be very deliberate, we can learn the art of flirting and whilst this can be all playful and fun. Perhaps there is a dark side that we should explore....
Abusing power or flirting to get our own way
Often people flirt with another for personal gain. This may be for something simple and harmless, such as a drink on an evening out – but can lead to individuals flirting for other reasons, such as promotion at work, which is affectionately termed Flirking, but scientifically coined as ‘strategic flirting’. However, Females who are in a masculine dominant environment and engage in flirtatious smiles at work or playing dumb for attraction sake, have been found to be treated with less respect or left out of promotions/meetings2.
Flirting to get our own way can also be seen in relationships – you may affectionately speak with your partner, doing something you know they find irresistible before asking them to fix the toilet seat, or drop the bombshell that your parents are coming to visit – although intended to be harmless, this use of flirting can be seen as manipulation and can lead to hard feelings and mistrust.
Leading people on for self-gratification
Often people will flirt for self-gratification with no intention of looking for a romantic partner or follow on dates – therefore simply using flirtatious behavior to make themselves feel more attractive, or more important. When these people flirt, they feel good, and the behavior is rewarded with a psychological buzz and hormonal release, boosting their own ego. They may flirt with someone, and when it is reciprocated, act shocked or as if they weren’t flirting – meaning the recipient becomes confused and less likely to trust their own judgment at finding a romantic mate.
People may also lead someone on for self-gratification when in a relationship – engaging in what they deem to see as ‘harmless flirting with no intention’ with a stranger. This leads us on to flirting whilst in relationships:
Being flirtatious with another whilst in a relationship - does this cross a boundary?
When you are flirting whilst in a relationship, but not with your partner, you are engaging in what is believed, from my own blog series, to being behaving as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions[1]. Primarily, this is leading someone on for self gratification, creating a sense that you are available. This ‘playful’ action provides you with the chemical and psychological boost described in my previous blog The Importance of Flirting [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/6/flirting-series-the-importance-of-flirting]. This chemical boost, alike to adrenaline, can become addictive, exciting, exhilarating. In tern, you find yourself needing to gain the boost from engaging in flirtatious behaviours and equally having these behaviours reciprocated – reciprocation is key as you are rewarded with what psychologists deem as ‘positive reinforcement’. After a period of time, you may find that this chemical boost will become something which you now cannot gain from your current partner, someone whom you are meant to love and care for, or from within your relationship. It will leave you questioning your own relationship for the forbidden fruit, the sexual desire.
Looking at flirting in a relationship from this perspective shows that flirting outside of the relationship does cross a boundary. You should be aware that your desire and particularly your actions on the desire, may begin to make your partner feel undervalued, unimportant and unable to satisfy you – this in tern creates an wedge between you both within your relationship. It is widely known that you cannot start an affair without fancying someone, and fancying someone – finding that important chemistry - comes from flirting.
Within the Psychological field, flirting with someone outside of your relationship can be seen as Relational Transgression (RT). RT happens when an individual breaks relationship rules – both spoken and expected. This psychological contract between a couple is hard to rebuild however, If you find yourself in this situation, speak with your partner and have open dialog on what is acceptable and how you both feel. Open communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, boundaries will enable you to both feel secure and safe - allowing you to both get your relationship back on track.
[1] http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/flirt
Flirting Series: Lessons in flirting
Take comfort in that fact that no one can teach you how to flirt – flirting is an individual style and individuals will react to it differently. However, you can be aware of your own flirting ability and your flirting style to ensure you portray yourself in the right light, leaving the opportunity to create that unspoken sexual tension that we are all searching for.
Often, we see individuals become fixated on ‘how to get the girl/guy’ that they forget meeting someone new should be fun and spontaneous. With this in mind, If you are out of practice or nervous, remember it doesn’t have to go anywhere. Flirting is harmless, and you can have a nice evening ‘practicing’ on new people around you. Pick a flirting style (http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/2/flirting-series-flirting-communication-styles) to try… find what works for you…. Equally, use this time to explore the effects of different body languages – for us ladies, this may be a flirting look, touch of your cheek, open body language with wrists and palms exposed, your body faced towards your match, gentle touches… for men this may be broad stance, open arms, broad shoulders…with every person you flirt with. This will help you develop your skills, build your confidence and find what naturally suits you. Suddenly, something, which was unknown, has become something that feels very comfortable, like slipping on your favourite pair of shoes.
There are four main stages of flirting, the approach, the conversation, the body language and synchronisation.
The Approach:
We often hear stories and answer questions on ‘how to approach someone in a social environment?’… These top tips will help you;
Tip 1:
Do not sit down – this makes you unobtainable. When walking around – do not look straight ahead at your end goal, look around, be open, smile, make eye contact – when with friends stand facing an open space instead of with your back to the room. With open body language and a wandering eye around the room, you are showing are available, obtainable and easy to speak to.
Tip 2:
If your wandering eye happens to meet that of another - keep eye contact for 4 seconds. It is human nature to shy away from eye contact, making most people feel uncomfortable that someone is looking at them. However, if you notice (or feel!) someone looking at you, look at them and smile. If you feel the need to look away… make it a glace away for less than a second, returning your eyes to them quickly and smiling again. This takes practice… practice, and more practice, allowing you to become more confident. When you are transitioning from eye contact to real contact, do not make a bee-line for them, but happen to brush past them on the way to the cloakroom or bar. A gentle touch of the shoulder and asking to squeeze past may be enough for a conversation cue – if they catch sight of you approaching them, make sure you retain the eye contact and smiles.
TOP TIP: If you feel uncomfortable by eye contact, look at the bridge of their nose. This will look like you are giving them direct eye contact without having done so.
Tip 3:
Take a conversation starter…. An accessory such as an unusual tie, belt or braces… maybe a novel necklace, hat or shawl … or a blow up parrot! This allows a way in for people to create conversation with you, beginning to build rapport and allowing them a ‘reason’ to have approached you. Remember though – it will not be all their doing, you will have to do the legwork too.
The Conversation:
Flirting is all about showing the natural you. When you have the attention of the person you like, you enter the conversational stage. The conversation is usually lead by the male, and is key for sustaining interest, at this point… take a few seductive glances to their lips, whilst you think about LIPS;
L is for Listening – Listen to the person your speaking to, allowing you to bounce off the conversation and build rapport
I is for Interaction – create moments for physical interaction, a gentle touch, a shoulder graze. Keep eye contact.
P is for Personality – Show them who you are & your personality. Humour is key whilst flirting, keep it light and fresh.
S is for speaking – do not feel shy, this is the moment to shine
Tip 4:
If you’re nervous or stuck for conversation topic, use your surroundings as conversational prompts – seen an interesting cocktail? Hen/stag party getting up to no good? Tried their amazing calamari? Chat about it! This gives you time to use natural flirtatious body language;
Body Language;
Body language for men and women is key during flirting… My blog on the Body Language of Love (http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/11/the-psychology-of-flirting-the-body-language-of-love) explains the signs of flirting (and why we do them!) – from women nibbling their lips or drawing her matches attention to her erogenous zones, to men framing their pelvic area by placing their hands upon hips – listening to the Body Language of the person will provide you with an insight into their subconscious psychological thought and will help you respond in a similar fashion.
Synchronisation:
If you think someone is flirting with you, stop for a moment and see if they are copying your movements. You may touch your face, with your match touching their face a few moments later, you may both reach for drinks at a similar time or mimic a body stance – the copying of movements isn’t an intentional action, but instead is a natural response to becoming attuned to a potential partner and shows a connection between two people. It is the final stage of Flirting, and can be an indicator that you should both explore a possible relationship.
But what if something goes wrong?
By asking that question, you are allowing fear to hinder your thought process. Remember, flirting is meant to be fun and fancy free. However, if you are worried about flirting, below are the top three hurdles that people face;
Being Closed
You may want someone to approach you and you are being open-minded to the possibility of finding someone new and feel let down and unattractive when you are not approached. Stop for a moment and question if you are in fact being physically closed to potential matches. Look at Tips 1 and 2, and then ask yourself how you present yourself in a social setting.
Feeling Sexy
It is not rocket science – Confidence is key! Be aware of how your own body and self-confidence affects your ability to flirt and interact with others. If you believe that you are not attractive in a sexual way, this will come across and equally will prevent you from feeling able to create sexual tension with the other person. Take time to love yourself – go to exercise classes, attend burlesque dancing class which may help you feel at ease with your body… if you feel your emotions run deeper, speak with a professional such as a life coach on how to rectify these issues.
Fear or Shame
You may be scared of making yourself vulnerable – opening yourself to rejection, you may fear that flirting will make you seem creepy or desperate, you may see sexual interest as something which is shameful or maybe that flirting will mean you have to commit to going home with the person – eliminate the fear by making flirting more familiar to you. Often fear of the unknown or the unspoken about can be the most crippling thing.
TOP TIP: Step out of negative mind-sets and ensure that you feel positive about yourself and your environment. Begin to use the flirtatious signals in environments you feel comfortable in – the supermarket for instance.
Remember, no one can teach you to flirt – but you can look at your own body language to create a move open, positive you. This in turn opens opportunities to meet new people and introduce yourself to new experiences.