Relationship & Dating Blog
Exclusive relationship and dating tips, secrets & advice from our team of psychologists.
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At Seventy Thirty, we are in the fortunate position of having the opportunity to speak to thousands of men and women about what they think makes a relationship work. Here are some of the main themes that are most commonly cited as important to ensure a successful relationship.
Each partner in the relationship should have an equal contributing role. There should be a balance in what two parties contribute to the relationship in order to create a workable status quo. You do not have to contribute the same things; the key is to show that you are putting in as much as you want to receive in terms of love, support and communication. Problems can arise in a relationship when one person perceives that they are giving more than they are receiving.
Have clear and honest relationship goals. By establishing goals such as, ‘I want to find a long-term, committed relationship’, ‘I want to get married and start a family’, or ‘I want to enjoy myself and not get tied down just yet’, a person will know what they are looking for in a partner and can focus their attention and effort on finding the right person. By being honest with yourself and potential partners (and getting the same in return), you will not waste time in unfulfilling relationships.
Both partners should feel some level of control. Clearly defining shared goals as a couple and working out the necessary steps towards achieving these will influence the direction you are heading in. There is also some psychology behind this. Creating joint goals allows us to feel a greater sense of control, so that we feel more secure in our relationship.
What makes us want to stay with someone for the long term can be very different to what makes us start a relationship. Real love is based on friendship combined with attraction – shared backgrounds, shared value systems and similar moral codes, mutual understanding and shared relationship goals. People are extremely social creatures and we want someone who we can communicate with, someone who will support us, who we can laugh with and share our lives with.
Choose your partner wisely. We're attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend: look at their character, personality, values, generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions and their relationship with others people and how they treat them.
Know your needs and speak up for them. A good relationship isn't a guessing game. Many people are afraid to state their needs and as a result they camouflage them. The result of not being honest is disappointment at not getting what you want and anger towards your partner for not having met your needs. Closeness can't occur without honesty.
Respect. Mutual respect is essential, inside and outside a good relationship.
Know how to manage differences. Learn how to handle negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflict isn't managing them. Arguments can be a healthy part of a relationship as long as you and your partner understand how to communicate and work out issues in a calm manner.
Communicate. If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why they're doing it. Talk and discuss, don't just assume.
Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in a relationship can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to become defensive against one another and to become strangers, or even enemies.
Learn to negotiate and cooperate. People's needs are fluid and change over time. Life's demands change too, so good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time. Sharing responsibilities is important too; relationships only work when they are a two way street with equal give and take.
Listen. Truly listen to your partner's concerns and complaints without making judgement. Much of the time having someone to listen is all we need to solve problems; it opens doors to confiding worries or fears, which is the root of real trust.
Be empathetic. Empathy is crucial for a solid long-lasting relationship. It's important to look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own.
Apologise. Anyone can make a mistake. Being able to say sorry is crucial. Attempts to apologise can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument is central to every relationship.
Forgiveness. The flip side of an apology is forgiveness, so if your partner apologises, don't reject it. Accept it and put the fight behind you and don't bring it up in future disagreements.
Maintain some independence. Depending on your partner for all of your needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners.
Keep things new. Enrich your relationship by bringing new interests into it from outside. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be.
It is 2016 and this year has a special gift in that it is a Leap Year. Not only does it offer one extra day in February but also this is the day that traditions are turned upside down, and conventionally it is the one day, every four years, that the tables are turned and a lady can propose to her man. With 29th February, just around the corner, it is exciting to remember what a leap year is and why some ladies might be taking the leap and planning a thrilling proposal of their own.
The 29th of February only comes around once every four years, and it takes place because an additional day is added to make the year fit into seasonal changes over a Gregorian calendar year. Accordingly, there are 366 days this year, the luxury of an additional day.
Various traditions and beliefs have arisen over the years about a Leap Year. The most famous of these is without a doubt that on 29 February, woman can take over the traditionally male role of proposing, and ask their partner to marry them. This tradition is attributed to the 5th century when a nun complained to St Patrick that men took too long to propose, and he then said that woman could propose on this one day every four years. There is also a tale that in 1288 Queen Margaret of Scotland decreed it law that women could propose in a Leap Year, and if the gentleman declined he could be fined. Some cultures believe that it is an unlucky year to get married in, while others believe those born on 29 February are especially gifted and referred to as ‘leaplings’. Whatever the case may be, the excitement and intrigue with Leap Years still remain today, and some surveys shows that up to 150 000 women are planning propose this year.
As we have an international clientele, experience of exclusive matchmaking and are part of the elite dating scene, some of Seventy-Thirty’s lovely lady members have been asking how we feel about the fast approaching 29 February 2016. Firstly, it is important to recognize that it is 2016 and antiquated traditions and definitions of relationships do not necessarily hold true anymore. More and more people are choosing to live together, rather than needing to define their relationship by the label of marriage, and the idea of marriage is also no longer narrowly defined as between a man and woman. From this it can be seen that traditions are changing and already gender role stereotypes and relationship definitions have taken big steps forward to being more inclusive, liberated and progressive.
In terms of high-end matchmaking and the great unfolding love stories, the Seventy – Thirty experts encourages these developments, and in many ways advocate that woman should not need only one day every four years when they can propose, if you love him and know he is your perfect partner, embrace the moment, take the leap, and this should not be defined by a date or time of year. However, we are still quite traditional and believe that a man should always be the ultimate gentleman, and perhaps only take these steps if it is the right time and stage for both of you. Ladies, do you dare? May this Leap Year be a luxurious celebration of love.
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