Lesson 2 in Confidence: Don’t Fake it, Learn it.

“The news that reaches your consciousness is incomplete and often not to be relied on. Turn your eyes inward, look into your own depths, and learn first to know yourself” - Sigmund Freud

 "Everything is great”, “I am fantastic”. Don’t fake your confidence. Learn it. The ‘fake-it-‘til-you-make-it’ approach might have worked for some, but a better way to have a healthy level of genuine and authentic confidence is to learn it. Learn how to tap into the confidence you were born with.

It is said that we were born confident. However, growing up, going through stages of development, gaining self-awareness with exposure to life’s experiences has chiselled away at our confidence resulting in new feelings of insecurity and doubt. But, we can regain our confidence; we had it once, we can have it again.

-  Accept failure.

Failure makes you stronger. You learn and your chance of succeeding increases.

“A failure is not always a mistake; it may simply be the best one can do under the circumstances. The real mistake is to stop trying”. - B. F. Skinner

-  Practice confidence.

We love that old saying, ‘practice makes perfect’. Meet new people, take yourself out of your comfort zone. It’ll be hard at first, but it’ll get better.

Practicing confidence is different to faking it. Faking confidence is pretence; practicing confidence is tapping it your qualities to achieve the confidence you deserve.

-  Learn to receive praise.

Taking a compliment in an art form. Learn to accept positive recognition and reinforcement. Sometimes we automatically reject a compliment rather than simply saying “thank you”.

- Embrace the unknown.

Embrace change, embrace the scary/unpredictable things.

Getting to know yourself, who you are, what you like, what you don’t like, are all small cognitive changes which can build your self-confidence. Be proud of who you are. Love yourself and let others have the chance to love you too.

Don’t let your confidence be detrimental to your relationship. Take control. Take action!

“Health is the greatest possession. Contentment is the greatest treasure. Confidence is the greatest friend.” — Lao Tzu 

How you can Learn Confidence

“Know yourself and you will win all battles” – Sun Tzu

In the world of Matchmaking and Dating, confidence is a major factor that can help or hinder in the quest to find a relationship. The good news is you can learn confidence.

There have been studies suggesting that the majority of individuals do not enjoy their own company. We may be scared of being alone and we may not accept this realisation. However, understanding who you are as a person, separate from others, as a complete individual, is an art we must learn.

Dr Jerome Burt, Clinical Psychologist, has studied the harsh realities of not being happy in your own skin. His fascinating work has illuminated the fact that we have the ability to change our cognitive thinking in order to increase our confidence and in turn, increase our happiness within ourselves.

Lack of confidence can mean that we struggle to see a good thing when we have it. We self-sabotage using excuses like “it just isn’t right”, “we’re just different people”. We may be afraid to show our flaws believing our partner will run at the first hurdle. We may push people away because it is easier than getting hurt further down the line.

Working on your confidence levels can get rid of these irrational feelings and in turn make you ready for a working relationship. A few simple techniques can make dramatic long term results to improve your self-image, boost self-confidence and improve your general self-worth. The way we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we live. In addition, self-confidence “helps us engage fully with life,” - Mary Welford, DClinPsy, Clinical Psychologist.

v  Think positive, act positive.

Martin Seligman who founded Positive Psychology believes that positive thoughts lead to greater happiness.

v  Take Action.

Set a small goal and achieve it (Goal Setting Theory, Locke & Latham, 1990) has been shown to motivate and guide an individual to achieve a result and boost self-confidence in doing so.

v  Exercise.

Proven to help motivation, well-being, anxiety, self-esteem, cognitive functioning, psychological dysfunction (Biddle, 2000).

v  Practising self-compassion.

Identifying and focusing on our own best interests. Self- compassion “gives us the courage and strength to build our self-confidence” – Mary Welford, Clinical Psychologist.

v  Face your fear.

Avoiding things that make us anxious, increases that anxiety, confronting our fears is empowering. “Fears are nothing more than a state of mind”. – Napoleon Hill.

A healthy level of confidence is much more than being comfortable in your own skin, it’s about being comfortable in your mind. Being content; knowing even with our human vulnerabilities we are still worthy.  When you believe you are worthy of something, you think and act in ways that bear results. Before you can love you must believe that you are worthy of it, that is the ultimate confidence.

With realization of one’s own potential & self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world. - Dalai Lama

[1] Biddle, S. J. H. (2000) Emotion, mood and physical activity. In S. J. H. Biddle, K. R. Fox and S. H. Boutcher (eds), Physical activity and psychological well-being (pp. 63–87). London: Routledge.

[2] Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.

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