Relationship & Dating Blog
Exclusive relationship and dating tips, secrets & advice from our team of psychologists.
Back in 2000, Susie Ambrose launched Seventy Thirty, the first matchmaking company to exclusively pair affluent and successful singles. It was an instant success, and a moneymaker. It stood out from the other agencies that had to offer cheaper fees because they catered for a non-exclusive market.
Full article here http://www.telegraph.co.uk/connect/small-business/cut-out-jealousy-to-outsmart-competitors/?WT.mc_id=tmg_share_tw
With the presents unwrapped and the mince pies eaten, people’s attention inevitably turns from their Christmas wishes to their new year’s resolutions. Most typically spending more time at the gym and with the family and planning holidays, while cutting down on alcohol and losing weight. Often much further down the list if at all, are resolutions for our relationships; as if merely spending more time with loved ones were enough to improve things, or even worse that this was not an area of our lives to which we could apply our resolve to make our dreams and desires reality.
This stems from people’s deterministic attitudes about love. We tend to think that Mr or Mrs Right will ‘come along’, that we will ‘fall’ in love, and that meeting ‘the one’ is largely down to chance. It may be that because relationships are reciprocal and depend as much on one person as the other, that we feel we are not fully in control (or not responsible for) bringing people into our lives and initiating the relationships we wish to enjoy. By resolving to do what it takes we can effect changes that benefit both ourselves and the people in our lives as well as those we are yet to meet.
The key difference here is taking responsibility and not allowing ideas of fate, destiny, or chance to govern our relationships. This may entail asking ourselves some challenging questions, such as what it is we really want from a partner or how we can be the kind of person that someone else would want - this can be pretty uncomfortable, but ultimately very rewarding. It could also mean doing research about the dating scene, consulting experts in relationships and looking back at the rights and wrongs of previous relationships. Being proactive about the resolution involves establishing what we want and the best possible way to get it and then following through on the results.
This is all the more easy to do if we are honest with ourselves about our requirements. These touch various aspects of our lives and character, including family and work, previous relationships, life goals, physical attraction and values, and so merit considered thought and attention. By clarifying these requirements we build a picture within our subconscious minds so that it is not just more predisposed to recognise it but is actually more likely to seek it out and act in a manner that will attract it. Additionally we are therefore less likely to waste time pursuing relationships that are not in our best interests or in harmony with our beliefs and desires.
So as you write out and review your resolutions this year; while learning a new skill or losing weight are undoubtedly important for your self esteem and happiness, think about the relationships you have or the ones you want and how your resolutions could make 2017 not just a great year for you, but for the other people in your life. Make it a priority, put it at the top of the list and take action to bring about the relationship you would wish for. The more specific you can be about the kind of relationship you want, the stronger the resolve you have to make reality, what for others remains a twist of fate or a game of chance.
What do we look for in a potential partner - what is it that we find attractive?
Is our ideal partner, really just someone with whom we share a background and have much in common? It is certainly a widely held view that people are attracted to and initiate romantic relationships with prospective partners who are similar to themselves across a wide array of personal characteristics. But why should this be so? Our perfect match won’t necessarily be a mirror image of ourselves, but someone whose personality complements our own, often in ways that we could never have envisioned.
There are many fundamental factors that influence our perception of someone’s suitability as a possible match. These are predominantly societal as we tend to meet more people from our own economic and educational groups. This has always encouraged compatibility and stability, but a successful relationship will always be based on more than similarity in aspects of culture, background or location. Important though these criteria are, they struggle to capture the sheer diversity of experience that we are likely to encounter in seeking our perfect match.
As the twenty-first century gathers pace, we find ourselves in an increasingly unstable and fragmented society; with continual shifts and endless choice, it’s diverse yet disposable. As a result, many of the constraints that used to determine our choice of partner are disappearing or at least their influence lessening, giving way to more transient matching preferences which are based around images and profiles; locations, likes and swipes.
When considering the mind-boggling number of possible character combinations and potential matches, we tend to cling all the more to the things we have in common. We like people with similar attitudes because these attitudes are rewarding in the sense of confirming our own opinions of the world. In an age of increasing uncertainty, it’s reassuring to find like-minded people who mirror our values though this is not necessarily the best basis for long-lasting attraction.
Additionally, people place greater value on shared experiences as these give a couple the chance to create their own background; their own history, without having to fulfil pre-existing criteria or preferences. A couple dashing for shelter from a sudden shower under the one coat, a fit of giggles that comes out of nowhere, or a piece of chocolate cake simply too big for one person alone. The value of these moments cannot be measured and their importance to immense attraction and strong relationships cannot be underestimated.
Anyone can bring these experiences into their lives; all we have to do is step through the looking-glass into the topsy turvy world of dating, embrace the unknown and challenge our preconceptions of who we are and what we want, allowing our experiences with others to shape us and help us grow. Otherwise we may search in vain for our other half and only find another self. As the unicorn says to Alice, “Well, now that we have seen each other, if you'll believe in me, I'll believe in you.”
References
Duck, Steve. (1999). Relating to others 2nd ed. Buckingham: Open University Press.
Cramer, Duncan. (1998). Close Relationships: The Study of Love and Friendship. Arnold.
Being in the ultimate relationship rather than any relationship is the goal for most elite people, and is certainly our aim as matchmakers here at Seventy Thirty. However, that’s why one can often find oneself single and holding out for the right person when Christmas comes around. For some of us, this can be a tricky time of year when it seems like everyone else is paired off and with a range of Christmas festivities to look forward to. However, with planning and the right attitude, Christmas can be a time of anticipation and excitement whether we’re attached or still dating. Here’s how.
Plan and prepare
The best approach to Christmas is a pro-active one. Without prior-planning, we can default to staying home and channel-surfing, a pastime which quickly loses its charm. Planning early enables us to build a schedule with plenty to look forward to. The key point is that, paradoxically, those who are the most happy and fulfilled with a life they love when they are single are those that have most to bring to a relationship and subsequently build a rewarding partnership. Therefore creating great times for yourself, whatever your status and whatever the time of year, is vital for your own success and well-being.
Accept invitations
How often do you regret accepting an invitation? Probably rarely if ever. Usually there are always experiences, introductions and conversations which make us feel glad we made the effort to engage in the social scene. As Oscar Wilde once said, “Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations”, therefore take every opportunity to enjoy new places and social encounters which could prove to enrich your life.
It’s not what happens, it’s how we respond to it
People can often fall victim to thinking negatively about the Christmas period if their circumstances do not match their ideal. Try and avoid the thinking trap of ‘compare and despair’ where we feel that our situation does not measure up to those of others, and avoiding ‘over-generalisation’ with thoughts such as ‘it looks like I’ll be single every Christmas’. These styles of thinking are distorted rather than reality-based, so challenge these thoughts if they arise and focus on what you can do to make this a special time.
Do something completely different
If you are free from obligations over the Christmas period, it can be a great opportunity to travel, volunteer or do something completely different than in previous years. This can be especially helpful if the festive period is associated with painful memories which will be reignited by being in the same setting. In day to day life, our brains get accustomed to similar experiences and routines, therefore a complete change or a new adventure serves to ‘reboot’ the system. Doing something novel not only engages all the senses but can also restore and inspire, which is an excellent way to begin a new year.
A time for reflection.
Following on from the last point, this is a great time of year to reflect on what to take from the previous year and what hopes, aspirations and goals we have for the year ahead. Throughout the year, we often long for time to reflect on our lives and have time to ponder, but pressing engagements, business, and family all place great demands on our time. Therefore, this is a good time to contemplate and plan in readiness for the psychological boost that comes with beginning a new year. On New Years Eve, remember the words of Brad Paisley, “Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one”.
Research has shown that as a nation we are increasingly using technology to instigate contact with potential partners. Despite this initial contact occurring via non-traditional methods, the point at which individuals physically meet is still incredibly important. This is because it is at this stage that the chances of longevity in a romantic relationship increase. Research has highlighted that one in five new relationships, and one in six new marriages occur between partners whose initial contact occurred via technology. In light of this information it can be inferred that a number of relationships start with an exchange via technology and it is this method of initial contact that is being discussed, with researchers attempting to understand how this method differs from traditional processes of romantic relationship development.
Although the prevalence of this method has increased there are other methods beyond technology which offer a far superior way to achieving that first initial contact with a potential partner, and one of these is matchmaking. With carefully researched, exclusively tailored introductions which respond to your needs, the pathway to love is an easier one to follow. Despite the importance of great introductions, as they cultivate the initial communication between two individuals, once the initial contact has been established, by whatever means, partners must then determine which other forms of contact to pursue outside of the first message or phone call. Sometimes making this decision can take some time but in most cases it is advisable to meet potential partners face-to-face relatively quickly after the initial communication. It has been found that the point of first physical contact is important because it provides additional cues that could either enhance or diminish the perceptions each person has of the other (Finkel et al., 2012), and therefore helps daters assess their romantic relationship potential.
Therefore the sooner a couple transition from communication via technology to communicating in person, the more positive the interaction is between the potential partners and there is a decrease in the level of uncertainty (Ramirez & Wang, 2008). Research also proposes that despite immediate contact being via a message or telephone exchange, it is the point of face to face contact that solidifies the path the relationship will take - the confirmation of attraction occurs once two individuals have met. This means that even though the initial point of contact may be changing in this day and age, nothing compares to that physical moment when two individuals’ eyes meet, and you know whether there may be a path to follow and a story ready to be written.
References
Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating a critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66.
Ramirez, A., & Wang, Z. (2008). When online meets offline: An expectancy violations theory perspective on modality switching. Journal of Communication, 58(1), 20-39.
Our previous two blogs in this series highlighted the importance of understanding body language and how the most successful people read non-verbal cues in others. In this blog we explain how we can join the elite and allow our body language to do the talking for us. As matchmakers we are keenly aware of how important it is to be conscious of what we’re communicating to others non-verbally, because research has shown when non-verbal and verbal cues are contradictory, we base our judgement on body language.
What you show yourself you show the world
Let’s start with making ourselves feel great, because the better we feel the less self-conscious we are and the more inspiring we are to others and the better our relationships. Therefore, do everything you can to make yourself feel comfortable and look your best, as this will instantly alter your posture and deportment. If you feel anxious, deliberately assuming the posture and gestures of someone confident sends feedback to the brain that all is well, and consequently you start to feel the way you are behaving.
Assume the demeanour of a king to inspire confidence and reverence
As Fox Cabane (2012) says, to understand poise, visualise the behaviour of a king in his court, composed and collected, and compare this with a king’s servants, over-eager and anxious to please. Excessive non-verbal reassurance, head-nodding and fidgeting are associated with low rank. Truly exceptional, high-end people do not behave in this way, as they are not desperate for approval. Therefore avoid being over the top with gestures, conveying restlessness, finger tapping and excessive head-nodding if you want to present with confidence and charm.
Make or break the date with your eyes…
Without the right eye contact, all other attempts at creating expressive body language will fail. We can read so much from people’s eyes, which is why poker players often play with sunglasses on! We have all had the experience of someone looking over our shoulder when we are talking to them. Many a date has been ruined by such behaviour – roaming eyes are one of the top complaints men and women have about each other when dating. Eye contact is powerful. In an experiment where strangers were sat opposite each other and asked to count the number of times their counterpart blinked, the result was feelings of affection and even passion in the other person. This is due to a hormone called PEA which is released into the bloodstream when eye contact is intense. So don’t be afraid to hold eye contact (without overdoing it, which could produce the opposite result) and use a soft focus when talking to your date. Eye contact alone can be pivotal in creating the ultimate romantic relationship.
Mirror mirror
Mirroring the body language of your partner or date is what successful people do instinctively. To get insight into the mind-set of the other person you are with, literally mirror back their posture which will also serve to put them at ease. Most people stop at this point, but to truly excel with this technique, mirror then lead. Use mirroring first, then gradually adopt a more relaxed stance as if you were in luxury surroundings, and generally the other person will follows suit, paving the way for a strong connection.
‘Love is always open arms. If you close your arms to love you will find you are only left holding yourself’. Leo Buscaglia
Hands and arms, like eyes are speaking volumes about our intentions, insecurities and inner state when interacting with others. Wringing and clasping convey nervousness, as does clinging which is a survival action developed through evolution. When making introductions here at Seventy Thirty, we encourage open, relaxed arms which convey warmth and can be seen to be inviting. Upward palms and outstretched arms communicate honesty and signal trust. Steepling the hands indicates presence and high confidence and is frequently seen in leaders. Be careful about drawing hands away quickly which suggests a change in mood or a change of heart, which may or may not be a miscommunication to your date.
To increase your expertise in non-verbal communication further, read our ‘Matchmaking in different locations’ blog series which includes some international perspectives on cultural differences in body language.
References
Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008). What every body is saying. Harper-Collins, New York.
Fox Cabane, O. (2012). The Charisma Myth. New York: Penguin Group.
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