Still single this Christmas? Embrace and celebrate!

Being in the ultimate relationship rather than any relationship is the goal for most elite people, and is certainly our aim as matchmakers here at Seventy Thirty. However, that’s why one can often find oneself single and holding out for the right person when Christmas comes around.  For some of us, this can be a tricky time of year when it seems like everyone else is paired off and with a range of Christmas festivities to look forward to.  However, with planning and the right attitude, Christmas can be a time of anticipation and excitement whether we’re attached or still dating.  Here’s how.

Plan and prepare

The best approach to Christmas is a pro-active one.  Without prior-planning, we can default to staying home and channel-surfing, a pastime which quickly loses its charm.  Planning early enables us to build a schedule with plenty to look forward to.  The key point is that, paradoxically, those who are the most happy and fulfilled with a life they love when they are single are those that have most to bring to a relationship and subsequently build a rewarding partnership.  Therefore creating great times for yourself, whatever your status and whatever the time of year, is vital for your own success and well-being.

Accept invitations

How often do you regret accepting an invitation?  Probably rarely if ever.  Usually there are always experiences, introductions and conversations which make us feel glad we made the effort to engage in the social scene.  As Oscar Wilde once said, “Nothing annoys people so much as not receiving invitations”, therefore take every opportunity to enjoy new places and social encounters which could prove to enrich your life.

It’s not what happens, it’s how we respond to it

People can often fall victim to thinking negatively about the Christmas period if their circumstances do not match their ideal.  Try and avoid the thinking trap of ‘compare and despair’ where we feel that our situation does not measure up to those of others, and avoiding ‘over-generalisation’ with thoughts such as ‘it looks like I’ll be single every Christmas’.  These styles of thinking are distorted rather than reality-based, so challenge these thoughts if they arise and focus on what you can do to make this a special time.  

Do something completely different

If you are free from obligations over the Christmas period, it can be a great opportunity to travel, volunteer or do something completely different than in previous years.  This can be especially helpful if the festive period is associated with painful memories which will be reignited by being in the same setting.  In day to day life, our brains get accustomed to similar experiences and routines, therefore a complete change or a new adventure serves to ‘reboot’ the system.  Doing something novel not only engages all the senses but can also restore and inspire, which is an excellent way to begin a new year.

A time for reflection.

Following on from the last point, this is a great time of year to reflect on what to take from the previous year and what hopes, aspirations and goals we have for the year ahead.  Throughout the year, we often long for time to reflect on our lives and have time to ponder, but pressing engagements, business, and family all place great demands on our time.  Therefore, this is a good time to contemplate and plan in readiness for the psychological boost that comes with beginning a new year.  On New Years Eve, remember the words of Brad Paisley, “Tomorrow, is the first blank page of a 365-page book.  Write a good one”. 

Whatever happened to love at first sight?

Research has shown that as a nation we are increasingly using technology to instigate contact with potential partners. Despite this initial contact occurring via non-traditional methods, the point at which individuals physically meet is still incredibly important. This is because it is at this stage that the chances of longevity in a romantic relationship increase.  Research has highlighted that one in five new relationships, and one in six new marriages occur between partners whose initial contact occurred via technology. In light of this information it can be inferred that a number of relationships start with an exchange via technology and it is this method of initial contact that is being discussed, with researchers attempting to understand how this method differs from traditional processes of romantic relationship development.

Although the prevalence of this method has increased there are other methods beyond technology which offer a far superior way to achieving that first initial contact with a potential partner, and one of these is matchmaking.  With carefully researched, exclusively tailored introductions which respond to your needs, the pathway to love is an easier one to follow. Despite the importance of great introductions, as they cultivate the initial communication between two individuals, once the initial contact has been established, by whatever means, partners must then determine which other forms of contact to pursue outside of the first message or phone call. Sometimes making this decision can take some time but in most cases it is advisable to meet potential partners face-to-face relatively quickly after the initial communication. It has been found that the point of first physical contact is important because it provides additional cues that could either enhance or diminish the perceptions each person has of the other (Finkel et al., 2012), and therefore helps daters assess their romantic relationship potential.

Therefore the sooner a couple transition from communication via technology to communicating in person, the more positive the interaction is between the potential partners and there is a decrease in the level of uncertainty (Ramirez & Wang, 2008). Research also proposes that despite immediate contact being via a message or telephone exchange, it is the point of face to face contact that solidifies the path the relationship will take - the confirmation of attraction occurs once two individuals have met. This means that even though the initial point of contact may be changing in this day and age, nothing compares to that physical moment when two individuals’ eyes meet, and you know whether there may be a path to follow and a story ready to be written.

References

Finkel, E. J., Eastwick, P. W., Karney, B. R., Reis, H. T., & Sprecher, S. (2012). Online dating a critical analysis from the perspective of psychological science. Psychological Science in the Public Interest, 13(1), 3-66.

Ramirez, A., & Wang, Z. (2008). When online meets offline: An expectancy violations theory perspective on modality switching. Journal of Communication, 58(1), 20-39.

A new take on body-language, part 3 – how we can make it work to our advantage

Our previous two blogs in this series highlighted the importance of understanding body language and how the most successful people read non-verbal cues in others.  In this blog we explain how we can join the elite and allow our body language to do the talking for us.  As matchmakers we are keenly aware of how important it is to be conscious of what we’re communicating to others non-verbally, because research has shown when non-verbal and verbal cues are contradictory, we base our judgement on body language.

What you show yourself you show the world

Let’s start with making ourselves feel great, because the better we feel the less self-conscious we are and the more inspiring we are to others and the better our relationships.  Therefore, do everything you can to make yourself feel comfortable and look your best, as this will instantly alter your posture and deportment.  If you feel anxious, deliberately assuming the posture and gestures of someone confident sends feedback to the brain that all is well, and consequently you start to feel the way you are behaving.

Assume the demeanour of a king to inspire confidence and reverence

As Fox Cabane (2012) says, to understand poise, visualise the behaviour of a king in his court, composed and collected, and compare this with a king’s servants, over-eager and anxious to please.  Excessive non-verbal reassurance, head-nodding and fidgeting are associated with low rank.  Truly exceptional, high-end people do not behave in this way, as they are not desperate for approval.  Therefore avoid being over the top with gestures, conveying restlessness, finger tapping and excessive head-nodding if you want to present with confidence and charm.

Make or break the date with your eyes…

Without the right eye contact, all other attempts at creating expressive body language will fail. We can read so much from people’s eyes, which is why poker players often play with sunglasses on!  We have all had the experience of someone looking over our shoulder when we are talking to them.  Many a date has been ruined by such behaviour – roaming eyes are one of the top complaints men and women have about each other when dating.  Eye contact is powerful.  In an experiment where strangers were sat opposite each other and asked to count the number of times their counterpart blinked, the result was feelings of affection and even passion in the other person.  This is due to a hormone called PEA which is released into the bloodstream when eye contact is intense.  So don’t be afraid to hold eye contact (without overdoing it, which could produce the opposite result) and use a soft focus when talking to your date.   Eye contact alone can be pivotal in creating the ultimate romantic relationship.

Mirror mirror

Mirroring the body language of your partner or date is what successful people do instinctively.  To get insight into the mind-set of the other person you are with, literally mirror back their posture which will also serve to put them at ease.  Most people stop at this point, but to truly excel with this technique, mirror then lead.  Use mirroring first, then gradually adopt a more relaxed stance as if you were in luxury surroundings, and generally the other person will follows suit, paving the way for a strong connection. 

‘Love is always open arms.  If you close your arms to love you will find you are only left holding yourself’. Leo Buscaglia

Hands and arms, like eyes are speaking volumes about our intentions, insecurities and inner state when interacting with others.  Wringing and clasping convey nervousness, as does clinging which is a survival action developed through evolution.  When making introductions here at Seventy Thirty, we encourage open, relaxed arms which convey warmth and can be seen to be inviting.  Upward palms and outstretched arms communicate honesty and signal trust.  Steepling the hands indicates presence and high confidence and is frequently seen in leaders.  Be careful about drawing hands away quickly which suggests a change in mood or a change of heart, which may or may not be a miscommunication to your date.

To increase your expertise in non-verbal communication further, read our ‘Matchmaking in different locations’ blog series which includes some international perspectives on cultural differences in body language.

References

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York.

Fox Cabane, O. (2012).  The Charisma Myth.  New York: Penguin Group.

A new take on body-language, part 2 – what behaviour tells us about the intentions and feelings of others

The last blog explored how understanding body language is vital for creating a magnificent and exclusive relationship.  As luxury matchmakers we are committed to helping our members connect with other elite individuals, and understanding the non-verbal side of communication can be the catalyst for connection.  Therefore the second blog of this series focuses on specific behaviours, their origins and what these gestures reveal. 

Read the feet not the face

According to Novello, the most revelatory part of the body is not the face but the feet.  Millions of years of evolution means that our limbic brain has registered freezing, running or kicking as primitive responses to threat, and this still manifests in our behaviour today.  Feet don’t deceive, whereas we often compose our faces into expressions designed to conceal our emotions.  Turning the feet away signals disengagement and a readiness to leave a situation.  Standing with legs crossed is a sign of comfort, if comfort lessens, we tend to plant both feet on the ground, or if seated, lock our feet around the legs of a chair.  This is the limbic brain providing protection in readiness to freeze or run.  In contrast, in dating situations women will also engage in ‘shoe-play’ slipping shoes on and off.  This is a ‘notice me’ behaviour and should be taken as encouragement.  In dates and partnerships that are going well, the couple will place their feet close together, but watch this change if an uncomfortable topic surfaces! 

Soothing behaviours

If a situation is making a person uncomfortable, the brain requires the body to do something that will stimulate nerve endings, releasing calming endorphins in the brain to restore equilibrium.  Therefore self-soothing behaviours show us that someone is going through discomfort.  These self-calming gestures manifest as rubbing the forehead and touching the face, exhaling with puffed out cheeks and rubbing the arms.  Placing the hand over the throat or playing with a necklace is a behaviour which evolved from protecting this vulnerable area in primitive times.  Rubbing the neck is a stress relieving gesture as it locates the vagus nerve which slows the heart rate down.  Any of these behaviours can serve as a prompt to explore the cause of the discomfort and seek solutions.

Leaning and turning

For billions of years we have put distance between what harms or repels us.  Our brains are therefore hard-wired to turn away (in evolution to protect the vital organs), or lean away from people we find displeasing or threatening.  In presidential debates, the candidates lean away from each other even though they are seated at a distance.  Compare this with lovers who can often be seen leaning towards each other.  If your date is displaying this behaviour this is a sign of comfort and trust.  Chest-shielding behaviour in the form of arm-crossing, and even buttoning up a suit can signify discomfort – the limbic brain is driving these behaviours.

The lip purse

People purse their lips or press their lips together when they disagree with something being said.  The benefit in recognising this is vividly illustrated by Navarro & Karlins (2008) who was trying to secure a contract with a multinational corporation by presenting the contract points in order.  When negotiating a particular point, the director of the prospective corporation did nothing other than purse his lips.  Knowing this to be a sign that something was wrong, Navarro initiated discussion and negotiation immediately allowing an agreement to be thrashed out and sealing a multimillion-dollar deal. 

The face

Contrary to popular opinion, the face can be difficult to decipher.  We become proficient at composing our features from an early age in order to conform socially and hide what we do not want the world to know.  However, much is still revealed, and sometimes the contradiction between what is voiced and what is expressed on the face is astounding.  The eyes convey warmth and are wide with dilated pupils when we are in the presence of someone who sparks our interest.  However, they are the first thing to leave the other person when we are bored or unimpressed with a remark.  Eye squinting is also a distancing behaviour, with eye-blocking (hands over face or shutting the eyes) indicating a strong adverse emotional reaction.  And if your date tilts their head, this exposes the neck (a vulnerable area) and is a gesture often seen in courtship when bonds are being formed.

The last blog in this series will give you some tips on how we can make our body language work to our advantage.

References

Ekman, P. (2003). Emotions Revealed. Understanding faces and feelings. Pheonix, London.

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York. 

A new take on body-language, part 1 – why it’s the most authentic form of communication

Research indicates that people who understand and accurately interpret body language reach greater levels of success in all areas of their lives, especially in relation to romance.  As matchmakers here at Seventy Thirty, we are keenly aware that non-verbal language allows us to nurture healthy relationships, identify and subsequently address problems and strengthen business alliances and friendships.  The ability to read body language is therefore imperative in relationships and tragic circumstances can occur when it is overlooked.  This is when we hear stories such as, “my partner is leaving, I had no idea he was unhappy” and “I never suspected for a minute my wife was having an affair”. Such situations may have been prevented or addressed early on, potentially preserving these precious relationships.  

We all have all know the importance of deciphering body language, and many of us are proficient at reading the non-verbal cues of others.  However, advances in neural-imaging technology have taken the knowledge base in this area to a whole new level by revealing the biological and evolutionary basis for body language.  Consequently, researchers have new insights into this field which we will explore over a series of three blogs with a view to reaping the benefits of these discoveries.

It can be quite daunting to consider how much we give away non-verbally.  Each of us transmits thousands of signals.  Even one snapshot of an individual will reveal facial expressions, gestures, kinetics and posture in addition to grooming, style of dress and body adornment, all of which can be analysed and interpreted.  This is before we even get around to tone, timbre and clarity of speech.  Great benefits for our relationships can therefore be found not only in reading cues in others, but in being aware of the impact of our own body language.

The most honest mode of communication

Developments in the field of non-verbal communication suggest that the most honest form of communication is our body language.  The reason for this is that it is generated from the ‘limbic brain’ which is primitive and reacts automatically to events.  As the limbic brain is the product of years of evolutionary development, it cannot easily be repressed and the resulting manifestations of behaviour are likely to be a true representation of our intentions and feelings.

Compare this with the ‘neocortex brain’ which is a newer part of the brain that thinks and reasons.  Here we have the ability to manage what we verbalise, to construct responses, and of course to deceive!  The quickest route to understanding someone is therefore to observe behaviour as the limbic brain will give us away to some extent, however much we try to manage how we are coming across.

Where to begin

The starting point for reading body language is seemingly elementary – we have to notice it. Novarro & Karlins (2008) stress the importance of this by quoting Sherlock Holmes who said to partner Dr Watson, “you see but you do not observe”.  Every observation of an individual and of interaction between people is rich with cues.  However, as these cues can often be subtle we need to be pick up on small details – Sherlock again, “to a great mind, nothing is little”.  This will give us the information we need to understand and create great connections when we’re dating and subsequently wonderful relationships with our romantic partners.

Having explored the origins and rationale for taking a biological stance to understanding body language, the next blog will focus on specific behaviours, their origins and what they reveal about intentions and emotions.  

References

De Gelder, B. (2006). Towards the neurobiology of emotional body language. Nature Reviews Neuroscience (7). Pp. 242-249.

Navarro, J. & Karlins, M. (2008).  What every body is saying.  Harper-Collins, New York. 

You can only gain as much as you put in!

Business-savvy men and women tend to invest in finding love and a relationship using the same energy, creativity and passion that led to their career success. Seeking a partner should be viewed as an investment in your life, and should be approached using many of the same principles you apply to other major life decisions, such as finding the right job or the right home. When seeking a partner, we subconsciously rate ourselves on desirability factors such as physical attractiveness, intellect, social status, wealth, youthfulness and health. People with high levels of self-awareness and self-esteem are more likely to rate themselves accurately and therefore have a realistic view of true compatibility.

Once you have found a truly equal partnership (and remember this is not solely a question of looks, which may not come into the equation at all, but equals in terms of humour, outlook, values, hopes, dreams and beliefs), the next stage is investing in the relationship. Psychologists have recognised a parallel between economics and relationships: relationships work on an exchange of costs and benefits, similar to the marketplace. A relationship will be successful if both partners perceive that the rewards, costs and contributions to the relationship are equal on both sides. As Eric Fromm, the German psychologist and philosopher, once said: ‘Love is often nothing but a favourable exchange between two people who get the most of what they can expect, considering their value on the personality market.’

However, problems can occur when people take these kinds of business principles too far and expect to invest a minimum amount for the maximum return. Relationships, unfortunately, don’t work like that – you can only gain as much as you put in (there is no such thing as a bargain!). People who have high levels of self-awareness are more likely to assess the balance of investment and reward from both sides of the relationship and maintain equilibrium. If you approach relationships intelligently and with the same passion, creativity, spontaneity, time and effort that you apply at work, then the rewards for both partners can be wonderful.