Flirting: The good, the bad…

A little flirting is healthy, fun and sometimes completely automatic (or unintentional). We have written about all about the art of flirting and how it helps in those initial stages of forming a romantic connection. However, following the release of our flirting blogs, we received many enquiries about the negative side of flirting.

Naturally when we are attracted to someone without any intent, we may flirt through our body language, pupils dilating, tone of voice changing. Flirting behaviors is culturally universal and also evident in animals. This is happening unconsciously, however, flirting can also be very deliberate, we can learn the art of flirting and whilst this can be all playful and fun. Perhaps there is a dark side that we should explore....

Abusing power or flirting to get our own way

Often people flirt with another for personal gain. This may be for something simple and harmless, such as a drink on an evening out – but can lead to individuals flirting for other reasons, such as promotion at work, which is affectionately termed Flirking, but scientifically coined as ‘strategic flirting’. However, Females who are in a masculine dominant environment and engage in flirtatious smiles at work or playing dumb for attraction sake, have been found to be treated with less respect or left out of promotions/meetings2.

Flirting to get our own way can also be seen in relationships – you may affectionately speak with your partner, doing something you know they find irresistible before asking them to fix the toilet seat, or drop the bombshell that your parents are coming to visit – although intended to be harmless, this use of flirting can be seen as manipulation and can lead to hard feelings and mistrust.

Leading people on for self-gratification

Often people will flirt for self-gratification with no intention of looking for a romantic partner or follow on dates – therefore simply using flirtatious behavior to make themselves feel more attractive, or more important. When these people flirt, they feel good, and the behavior is rewarded with a psychological buzz and hormonal release, boosting their own ego. They may flirt with someone, and when it is reciprocated, act shocked or as if they weren’t flirting – meaning the recipient becomes confused and less likely to trust their own judgment at finding a romantic mate.

People may also lead someone on for self-gratification when in a relationship – engaging in what they deem to see as ‘harmless flirting with no intention’ with a stranger. This leads us on to flirting whilst in relationships:

Being flirtatious with another whilst in a relationship - does this cross a boundary?

When you are flirting whilst in a relationship, but not with your partner, you are engaging in what is believed, from my own blog series, to being behaving as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions[1]. Primarily, this is leading someone on for self gratification, creating a sense that you are available. This ‘playful’ action provides you with the chemical and psychological boost described in my previous blog The Importance of Flirting [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/6/flirting-series-the-importance-of-flirting]. This chemical boost, alike to adrenaline, can become addictive, exciting, exhilarating. In tern, you find yourself needing to gain the boost from engaging in flirtatious behaviours and equally having these behaviours reciprocated – reciprocation is key as you are rewarded with what psychologists deem as ‘positive reinforcement’. After a period of time, you may find that this chemical boost will become something which you now cannot gain from your current partner, someone whom you are meant to love and care for, or from within your relationship. It will leave you questioning your own relationship for the forbidden fruit, the sexual desire.

Looking at flirting in a relationship from this perspective shows that flirting outside of the relationship does cross a boundary. You should be aware that your desire and particularly your actions on the desire, may begin to make your partner feel undervalued, unimportant and unable to satisfy you – this in tern creates an wedge between you both within your relationship. It is widely known that you cannot start an affair without fancying someone, and fancying someone – finding that important chemistry - comes from flirting.

Within the Psychological field, flirting with someone outside of your relationship can be seen as Relational Transgression (RT). RT happens when an individual breaks relationship rules – both spoken and expected. This psychological contract between a couple is hard to rebuild however, If you find yourself in this situation, speak with your partner and have open dialog on what is acceptable and how you both feel. Open communication is the foundation of a successful relationship, boundaries will enable you to both feel secure and safe - allowing you to both get your relationship back on track.

[1] http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/flirt

2 http://www.washingtonpost.com/news/on-leadership/wp/2013/08/07/new-research-looks-into-strategic-flirtation-in-the-workplace/

Flirting Series: Lessons in flirting

Take comfort in that fact that no one can teach you how to flirt – flirting is an individual style and individuals will react to it differently. However, you can be aware of your own flirting ability and your flirting style to ensure you portray yourself in the right light, leaving the opportunity to create that unspoken sexual tension that we are all searching for.

Often, we see individuals become fixated on ‘how to get the girl/guy’ that they forget meeting someone new should be fun and spontaneous. With this in mind, If you are out of practice or nervous, remember it doesn’t have to go anywhere. Flirting is harmless, and you can have a nice evening ‘practicing’ on new people around you. Pick a flirting style (http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/2/flirting-series-flirting-communication-styles) to try… find what works for you…. Equally, use this time to explore the effects of different body languages – for us ladies, this may be a flirting look, touch of your cheek, open body language with wrists and palms exposed, your body faced towards your match, gentle touches… for men this may be broad stance, open arms, broad shoulders…with every person you flirt with. This will help you develop your skills, build your confidence and find what naturally suits you. Suddenly, something, which was unknown, has become something that feels very comfortable, like slipping on your favourite pair of shoes.

There are four main stages of flirting, the approach, the conversation, the body language and synchronisation.

The Approach:

We often hear stories and answer questions on ‘how to approach someone in a social environment?’… These top tips will help you;

Tip 1:

Do not sit down – this makes you unobtainable. When walking around – do not look straight ahead at your end goal, look around, be open, smile, make eye contact – when with friends stand facing an open space instead of with your back to the room. With open body language and a wandering eye around the room, you are showing are available, obtainable and easy to speak to.

Tip 2:

If your wandering eye happens to meet that of another - keep eye contact for 4 seconds. It is human nature to shy away from eye contact, making most people feel uncomfortable that someone is looking at them. However, if you notice (or feel!) someone looking at you, look at them and smile. If you feel the need to look away… make it a glace away for less than a second, returning your eyes to them quickly and smiling again. This takes practice… practice, and more practice, allowing you to become more confident. When you are transitioning from eye contact to real contact, do not make a bee-line for them, but happen to brush past them on the way to the cloakroom or bar. A gentle touch of the shoulder and asking to squeeze past may be enough for a conversation cue – if they catch sight of you approaching them, make sure you retain the eye contact and smiles.

TOP TIP: If you feel uncomfortable by eye contact, look at the bridge of their nose. This will look like you are giving them direct eye contact without having done so.

Tip 3:

Take a conversation starter…. An accessory such as an unusual tie, belt or braces… maybe a novel necklace, hat or shawl … or a blow up parrot! This allows a way in for people to create conversation with you, beginning to build rapport and allowing them a ‘reason’ to have approached you. Remember though – it will not be all their doing, you will have to do the legwork too.

The Conversation:

Flirting is all about showing the natural you. When you have the attention of the person you like, you enter the conversational stage. The conversation is usually lead by the male, and is key for sustaining interest, at this point… take a few seductive glances to their lips, whilst you think about LIPS;

L is for Listening – Listen to the person your speaking to, allowing you to bounce off the conversation and build rapport

I is for Interaction – create moments for physical interaction, a gentle touch, a shoulder graze. Keep eye contact.

P is for Personality – Show them who you are & your personality. Humour is key whilst flirting, keep it light and fresh.

       S is for speaking – do not feel shy, this is the moment to shine

Tip 4:

If you’re nervous or stuck for conversation topic, use your surroundings as conversational prompts – seen an interesting cocktail? Hen/stag party getting up to no good? Tried their amazing calamari? Chat about it! This gives you time to use natural flirtatious body language;

Body Language;

Body language for men and women is key during flirting… My blog on the Body Language of Love (http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/11/the-psychology-of-flirting-the-body-language-of-love) explains the signs of flirting (and why we do them!) – from women nibbling their lips or drawing her matches attention to her erogenous zones, to men framing their pelvic area by placing their hands upon hips – listening to the Body Language of the person will provide you with an insight into their subconscious psychological thought and will help you respond in a similar fashion.

Synchronisation:

If you think someone is flirting with you, stop for a moment and see if they are copying your movements. You may touch your face, with your match touching their face a few moments later, you may both reach for drinks at a similar time or mimic a body stance – the copying of movements isn’t an intentional action, but instead is a natural response to becoming attuned to a potential partner and shows a connection between two people. It is the final stage of Flirting, and can be an indicator that you should both explore a possible relationship.

But what if something goes wrong?

By asking that question, you are allowing fear to hinder your thought process. Remember, flirting is meant to be fun and fancy free. However, if you are worried about flirting, below are the top three hurdles that people face;

Being Closed

You may want someone to approach you and you are being open-minded to the possibility of finding someone new and feel let down and unattractive when you are not approached. Stop for a moment and question if you are in fact being physically closed to potential matches. Look at Tips 1 and 2, and then ask yourself how you present yourself in a social setting.

Feeling Sexy

It is not rocket science – Confidence is key! Be aware of how your own body and self-confidence affects your ability to flirt and interact with others. If you believe that you are not attractive in a sexual way, this will come across and equally will prevent you from feeling able to create sexual tension with the other person. Take time to love yourself – go to exercise classes, attend burlesque dancing class which may help you feel at ease with your body… if you feel your emotions run deeper, speak with a professional such as a life coach on how to rectify these issues.

Fear or Shame

You may be scared of making yourself vulnerable – opening yourself to rejection, you may fear that flirting will make you seem creepy or desperate, you may see sexual interest as something which is shameful or maybe that flirting will mean you have to commit to going home with the person – eliminate the fear by making flirting more familiar to you. Often fear of the unknown or the unspoken about can be the most crippling thing.

TOP TIP: Step out of negative mind-sets and ensure that you feel positive about yourself and your environment. Begin to use the flirtatious signals in environments you feel comfortable in – the supermarket for instance.

Remember, no one can teach you to flirt – but you can look at your own body language to create a move open, positive you. This in turn opens opportunities to meet new people and introduce yourself to new experiences.

Susie Ambrose talks to Vanity Fair

"Never mind the little black dress—Susie Ambrose has the little black book to die for. Sign up to her innovative and exclusive matchmaking consultancy, Seventy Thirty, and you get all the insights of a team of qualified psychologists, to up your relationship game" 

http://alist.vanityfair.co.uk/meeting-of-minds-5490/

What makes a modern relationship work?

 At Seventy Thirty, we are in the fortunate position of having the opportunity to speak to thousands of men and women about what they think makes a relationship work. Here are some of the main themes that are most commonly cited as important to ensure a successful relationship.

Each partner in the relationship should have an equal contributing role. There should be a balance in what two parties contribute to the relationship in order to create a workable status quo. You do not have to contribute the same things; the key is to show that you are putting in as much as you want to receive in terms of love, support and communication. Problems can arise in a relationship when one person perceives that they are giving more than they are receiving.

Have clear and honest relationship goals. By establishing goals such as, ‘I want to find a long-term, committed relationship’, ‘I want to get married and start a family’, or ‘I want to enjoy myself and not get tied down just yet’, a person will know what they are looking for in a partner and can focus their attention and effort on finding the right person. By being honest with yourself and potential partners (and getting the same in return), you will not waste time in unfulfilling relationships.

Both partners should feel some level of control. Clearly defining shared goals as a couple and working out the necessary steps towards achieving these will influence the direction you are heading in. There is also some psychology behind this. Creating joint goals allows us to feel a greater sense of control, so that we feel more secure in our relationship.

What makes us want to stay with someone for the long term can be very different to what makes us start a relationship. Real love is based on friendship combined with attraction – shared backgrounds, shared value systems and similar moral codes, mutual understanding and shared relationship goals. People are extremely social creatures and we want someone who we can communicate with, someone who will support us, who we can laugh with and share our lives with.

How to make it work!

Choose your partner wisely. We're attracted to people for all kinds of reasons. Evaluate a potential partner as you would a friend: look at their character, personality, values, generosity of spirit, the relationship between their words and actions and their relationship with others people and how they treat them. 

Know your needs and speak up for them. A good relationship isn't a guessing game. Many people are afraid to state their needs and as a result they camouflage them. The result of not being honest is disappointment at not getting what you want and anger towards your partner for not having met your needs. Closeness can't occur without honesty.

Respect. Mutual respect is essential, inside and outside a good relationship. 

Know how to manage differences. Learn how to handle negative feelings that are the unavoidable byproduct of the differences between two people. Stonewalling or avoiding conflict isn't managing them. Arguments can be a healthy part of a relationship as long as you and your partner understand how to communicate and work out issues in a calm manner. 

Communicate. If you don't understand or like something your partner is doing, ask about it and why they're doing it. Talk and discuss, don't just assume. 

Solve problems as they arise. Don't let resentments simmer. Most of what goes wrong in a relationship can be traced to hurt feelings, leading partners to become defensive against one another and to become strangers, or even enemies. 

Learn to negotiate and cooperate. People's needs are fluid and change over time. Life's demands change too, so good relationships are negotiated and renegotiated all the time. Sharing responsibilities is important too; relationships only work when they are a two way street with equal give and take. 

Listen. Truly listen to your partner's concerns and complaints without making judgement. Much of the time having someone to listen is all we need to solve problems; it opens doors to confiding worries or fears, which is the root of real trust. 

Be empathetic. Empathy is crucial for a solid long-lasting relationship. It's important to look at things from your partner's perspective as well as your own. 

Apologise. Anyone can make a mistake. Being able to say sorry is crucial. Attempts to apologise can be clumsy or funny, even sarcastic, but the willingness to make up after an argument is central to every relationship. 

Forgiveness. The flip side of an apology is forgiveness, so if your partner apologises, don't reject it. Accept it and put the fight behind you and don't bring it up in future disagreements. 

Maintain some independence. Depending on your partner for all of your needs is an invitation to unhappiness for both partners. 

Keep things new. Enrich your relationship by bringing new interests into it from outside. The more passions in life that you have and share, the richer your relationship will be.