Don’t lose a fantastic relationship to poor communication – understanding the differences between how men and women communicate – PART 2

In part one of this series our Matchmakers explored the idea that communication can differ between men and women, and how this can lead to misunderstanding.  Following on from this, the Relationship Experts look at some specific areas of communication in which differences can be observed, with tips on how to manage them.

The single biggest complaint women and men have about how the other party communicates

Let’s start with the top two complaints.  Research shows that the single biggest complaint women have about men is that men interrupt them, and that they often talk faster to get their point in before they’re interrupted.  On the other hand, many men express frustration when women speak at elaborately and at length, but take a long time to make their point, especially in an emotive conversational exchange.  So perhaps there is a case here for women to be concise and clear in order to have their points understood, and for men to wary of interrupting.  On a related note, any gentleman out there who find it hard to decipher a woman’s needs, take comfort from the words of Freud who once stated, “The great question that has never been answered, and which I have not yet been able to answer, despite my thirty years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'

Conversational content

In social conversation, while both sexes discuss a range of topics, for women this often includes references to relationships, development and experiences, whereas men tend to focus on information sharing and are often more concrete rather than abstract.   Men are also more concise in their points and economical with their words in communication. 

Our Matchmaker’s tip for the gentleman - a bit of elaboration in romantic relationships will be music to the ears of your date.  For example rather than just telling your partner she is beautiful, tell her in what way.

Mind reading and hint dropping

Men often complain that women expect them to be mind-readers rather than being explicit in communicating what they want.  This sets up a cycle of women hoping men will understand an issue they’re not even aware of and the women subsequently becoming resentful that the issue hasn’t been addressed.  This same problem occurs with hints – men generally find it difficult to pick up on hints, and if they do catch on may well feel resentful that the point has not been addressed with them directly.  This makes the case for both parties ensuring they raise issues promptly and clearly.

It might be time to let go of Darcy, Heathcliff, Rochester…

While many of us love the passionate declarations made by romantic heroes in classic fiction, setting this as an expectation in our own relationships may lead to frustration (see our Matchmaker, Zoe’s blog on ‘Role models: http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2015/10/role-models-in-relationships-adjustable-adaptable-advisable). Women are particularly susceptible to this, although this applies to both sexes as we all absorb stereotypes and ideals from the media.  While it is healthy to set standards and establish preferences, we need to temper this with a focus on the real world, and an appreciation of our partner or date as a human being who is fallible with his or her own vulnerabilities.

On affection and emotion…

There are differences in the way men and women express affection in their friendships and relationships.  Men often tease and are sometimes sarcastic when expressing endearment whereas women are often direct in communicating affection and tactile in expressing it.  Many a budding relationship may never get started if the lady interpret teasing as dislike rather than admiration.  Additionally, men frequently have a more difficult time understanding emotions that are not explicitly verbalised, whereas women pick up quite easily on emotional cues.  Just understanding these difference can go a long way to understanding our partners and preventing misinterpretation.

The last blog in this series will focus on how differences in communication styles can lead to conflict with tips on preventing this.

References

Goddard, A. & Patterson, L. M. (2000). Language and Gender.  Routledge, London.

Tannen, D. (1994). Gender and Discourse. Oxford University Press, London.

Matchmaking in Scotland: Our Exclusive Review of the Scottish Dating Scene

As my surname suggests, my heritage lies in Scotland and I am very fond of the proud nation, with its beautiful countryside and distinguished cities like Glasgow, Aberdeen and Edinburgh. Here are my tips on dating in this very special part of the world for local and international romantics.

The choice of first date must be individual to the couple. For some, lunch and a walk along the beach is a nice, low-key option. Scotland has some breathtakingly beautiful beaches that can provide the setting for a wonderful date. My favourite is the wide stretch of sand along the coastal path through East Lothian, the sunniest part of the country. The pretty town of Dunbar has several good spots for lunch, including the Creel Restaurant, a great place to have a bite to eat.

In Edinburgh possibly the finest meal can be found in The Witchery on the Royal Mile near the Castle. A boutique luxury hotel, it has a 5 star restaurant this is a truly high end venue. It would certainly be an impressive option for introductions and with only a few tables it is very exclusive.

A somewhat leftfield option is to go to a ceilidh – a Scottish dance. Featuring traditional music and often people dressed in kilts, a night at one of these will be an adventure, and something to talk about on future dates.

Glasgow has many excellent options for dates. A very special restaurant is Brel in the West End which has a beautiful garden to eat al fresco. The city also hosts some wonderful cultural activities, particularly the Brel in the West End which has a beautiful garden to eat lunch al fresco. As a former European City of Culture and most recent host of the Commonwealth Games the city is blessed with some wonderful artistic events. It is the home of Scottish Opera and Scottish Ballet and the Concert Hall has concerts by orchestras from across the world. It is renowned for its artists and the Glasgow Art Fair (springtime) would be an exciting event to take someone passionate about creativity and culture to.

As well as the culture, food, and scenery Scotland is a place to feel at home.

Muslim Matchmaking - Our Exclusive Review of the Dating Scene

By Aida Abdi 

With Muslim matchmaking becoming increasingly popular, we will explore the basic values, traditions and approach to modern dating within the Muslim community.

Arrangements VS Matchmaking?

Is it just me, or are the two supposedly different concepts actually quite similar to one another? The former is very traditional, practised over the centuries and the latter is a modern approach to the world of contemporary dating. Apart from this, there isn’t much more of a difference, except that the former is usually community-based, with families approaching an individual with a potential suitor whereas the latter is an organised practice with professionals such as Matchmaking Specialists doing the searching and the finding. Talk about a modern twist to a historic practice, many Muslims seem to be happy with the latter, adopting the approach as it gives access to many potential suitors at one time, providing the freedom and greater opportunities to meet like-minded individuals more efficiently and on a global scale; different approaches, same principle. A great way to modern dating whilst upholding tradition.

The Elite

The importance of career, wealth and success is increasing for both men and women; for this reason, the majority of career-focused individuals spend 70% of their time working and only 30% of their time socialising (hence the revolution of Seventy Thirty). This applies to the Muslim community also; many affluent men and women seek a match similar in status, goals and background. Therefore, since their personal time is so precious, exclusive matchmaking agencies create the perfect platform in restoring this balance and helping you find your ‘equal’ match.

Freedom and Privacy

Traditional approaches are still practised in many societies and in the Western world, the process and experience of it all can sometimes feel a bit daunting and overwhelming, especially in the Muslim culture as family and communities can be very involved. Online services such as dating sites or exclusive matchmaking agencies can offer individuals the freedom and privacy to search for their ideal match, without being under the watchful eye of a protective parent or prying neighbour.

Agency Advantage

As Muslim online dating is becoming increasingly popular, there is a vastly growing number of dating sites dedicated to Muslims however, the question is, which is the right one for you? Many dating sites, to an extent, can offer individuals freedom to search and privacy whilst doing so. Nevertheless, many are turning away from online dating and others simply do not feel that they can put themselves on an online dating site. Matchmaking agencies offer a safer and more effective approach, eliminating any danger of online dating as they personally meet all Members and issue confidentiality agreements.

Dating Culture & Goals

For most of our Muslim clients, the goal is marriage and family. ‘Flings’, experimenting or short-term relationships are not part of the values or ethics of Muslim culture. Values and ethics such as self-preservation, protection and discipline are highly regarded. However, as many are moving away from the traditional approach of matchmaking arrangements, they are exploring other appropriate avenues that don’t conflict with their culture or ethics as a Muslim. Matchmaking agencies carefully assess each member and take into account an individual’s values, relationship goals and background to name the least, aiming to find compatible partnerships and ensuring no culture clash.

Muslim Matchmaking is a very fast growing industry, with many professional men and women joining Exclusive Matchmaking agencies to find their ideal partner. Seventy Thirty’s Muslim Members are often very prominent people, leading contemporary lifestyles with traditional cultural and religious values at their personal level of observance. Balance is key; they want to find someone who appreciates that those traditional values and beliefs can exist harmoniously in a modern world.    

Matchmaking in London

Our Exclusive Review of the Dating Scene

“When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life…”  This oft-quoted but unequivocal observation made by Samuel Johnson is equally true when it comes to London’s dating scene.  London has an extraordinary amount of opportunities for courtship, but as is the case with dating in any geographical location, success depends on being knowledgeable and savvy about the scene.  Dating culture varies enormously between cities and countries, which is why here at Seventy-Thirty we have matchmakers specialising in matching people all over the globe.  In this series of blogs, we share our knowledge and tips about the nature of dating in specific geographical areas.  So here’s some ‘news you can use’ about the London dating scene.

1 London embraces the Elite

London is brimming with remarkably successful people.  It is therefore a place to meet some of the most interesting and unique people in the world.  Inevitably this means there are many people in London whose primary relationship is with their career.  However, this can be an advantage on the dating scene as there are many amazing people who have not had time for love due to the amount of time they have spent establishing themselves in their field. This makes London a top city for dating at all ages and stages of life.

2 London is truly International

For people with an international mind-set London is hard to beat.  Many people travel extensively in their careers or live across more than one country.  This opens up the dating scene considerably and means that even if you live in Europe or New York, there are potential romantic adventures to be explored with Londoners.  

3 London is the land of Dating Opportunity

Dating sites and apps are plentiful in London, so much so that many companies are anxious to emphasise when they are not another app.  However, many dating sites and apps are not particularly exclusive as anyone can post their profile.  This is why luxury introductions agencies like Seventy Thirty are very much back in vogue.  Certainly it cannot be denied that London is a city with a passion for the world of dating with many events being organised to bring people together. 

4 London is suffused with luxury entertainment, cuisine and cocktails

When it comes to the social scene, there is every type of entertainment in London one could possibly imagine, which can inspire some imaginative settings for dates.  However, be aware that while Saturday was traditionally the night for dates, this is rarely a preference for Londoner’s now as the best venues are so busy on Saturday’s and people often travel to be in the centre of London for work.  Therefore the best date-nights are often mid-week rendezvous. 

5 London dates are both Awesome and Ambiguous

London is full exceptional people which can lead to extraordinary relationships.  However, a common observation about dating in London is that Londoners are often very polite and it can be difficult to decipher how a date is progressing.  This is very much in contrast to the New York scene in which people are often very direct and frequently reflect on how things are progressing during the date!  Forewarned is forearmed – being aware of this city-trait means you’re prepared if you experience this. 

6 London is an Eclectic mix

The beauty of a city like London is that there is such a broad range of people.  This is why dating in London can be especially fun, and perhaps a time to drop some of the rigid criteria we set regarding potential partners.  Many people in London are open to exploring relationships with people from other cultures and backgrounds, and here at Seventy Thirty we have introduced people who have subsequently had amazing relationship thanks to being a bit more open-minded and experimental about potential dates.  So don’t be too tied to your ‘type’. 

FIRST DATE Q&A

What is a great first date?

Our Matchmakers at Seventy Thirty have probably seen it all, from brunch and a stroll in the park to an exclusive city break. One couple had a fantastic date at laser quest! Big cities like London have plenty of options for cultural activities like visiting art galleries; these give us plenty to talk about. Choosing something that reflects a common interest is a great way to get conversations going – and to have fun! We recommend not putting too much pressure on it though – a nice atmosphere that promotes mutual interaction is what you need. Don’t be scared to change things up; it’s good to have alternatives up your sleeve. If things are going well, you can move from the cosy wine bar to the new restaurant nearby and then take that short romantic walk by the river before parting ways.

How long should a first date be?

We find a couple of hours will enable two people to get to know each other and find out whether there is chemistry. If you are getting along very well then why not go with the flow. Date ideas should be discussed before and the ‘when and where’ confirmed the day before.

What should I wear?

Everyone has their own style and dates go well when people are authentic. Generally people should look presentable and show they have made an effort. Our Matchmakers are able to recommend stylists and shopping advisors who help people change their look and have a fun whirl around the shops.

Today is the date – what should I do?

It is easy to say relax and be yourself but… try to relax and be yourself. Plan enough time to make sure you aren’t late and if you are running behind let your date know. Don’t grill them about information you found googling – let the conversation flow as smoothly as possible and let topics such as past relationships and careers come naturally.

What should I do after the date?

A nice touch is to follow up with a text thanking them for meeting and for a night-time date checking they got home safely. It is natural – and healthy - to reflect on a date afterwards. It is unhelpful though to focus on every word and try to decipher what the other person was thinking and why they said something. First dates can make people nervous. The important thing to reflect on is whether the person treated you well. Showing interest in your life is more informative about whether there is potential than the shade of shoes.  Be mindful of any red flags though, for example rude behaviour and do not tolerate being treated poorly.

What should I do about moving on to a second date?

The biggest question is did you enjoy the first date? If so, get a second in the diary pronto! Sometimes it takes a few dates for a couple to click, particularly if one is naturally reserved. People may also be unsure whether their date is keen. Matchmakers can take some of the pressure off by discretely gaining feedback from a match. On more than a few occasions we have found our Members have spent the day after worrying that they made a faux pas (or a terrible pun) only for us to discover that their date found it completely charming and is keen to meet again. With very successful people it can be difficult to arrange a time to meet again so being in phone contact will keep the connection and chemistry. A matchmaker will be a source of support and encouragement through those sometimes daunting first meetings and the formation of a relationship.

Don’t lose a fantastic relationship to poor communication – understanding the differences between how men and women communicate.

As Matchmakers, we know that many a relationship is lost not because of a poor match, but because of misunderstandings which occur due to the different ways in which men and women communicate.  Complaints such as ‘he didn’t understand me’ and ‘she was impossible to deal with’ are often cited as reasons for relationships ending, yet are often entirely avoidable.  People focus on the content of conversation without really understanding the differences in communication – which can lead to misinterpretation. 

The tragedy is, if people don’t understand communicative styles and their own role in the breakdown of communication, they take these problems into the next relationship and create exactly the same circumstances.  This is why people frequently split up with numerous partners for essentially the same reasons.  Understanding differences in how people communicate will enhance your dating success by helping you avoid pit-falls and instead foster closeness and understanding.

In this series of three blogs, we will look at the differences between how men and women communicate with tips on managing these differences.  Although we will explore generalities in men and women’s communication styles, these differences are not set in stone and may apply equally the other way round and within same-sex relationships.  The important point is to recognise and adapt our responses so that we truly create a meaningful connection.  This helps us to avoid George Bernard Shaw’s caution that, “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”.

Men and women approach communication differently

Men and women often have different goals and needs in communication.  If we are unaware of this we can become hurt, offended or even exasperated when our partners response is not in accordance with our expectations.  For example, studies indicate that communication styles differ in a crisis.  Men often tend to offer a solution in an attempt to solve the problem as quickly as possible and reduce upset, whereas women also want to empathise and seek mutual understanding.  If these underlying motivations are not understood, men may feel frustrated about the time it is taking to discuss a problem, whereas women could think that the gentleman is being dismissive.  This creates an unnecessary rift.  Recognition of communicative styles and an understanding of where they come from means we can adapt our responses to create a real connection and exciting relationship.  This is worthy of consideration as we tend to underestimate how much relationships can be enhanced by talking – as the saying goes, ‘Romeo and Juliet are another example of why communication within a relationship is so crucial’.

You are and your partner are not the same person

This is the starting point for great communication, yet this seemingly obvious observation is actually the least remembered in relationships.  Frustration occurs when we expect our partners to view the world, process information and communicate in exactly the same way as we do.  On an intellectual level we would of course argue that we understand how background, experience and physiological differences combine to make each person view and interact with the world in their own unique way.  However, as Professor Krycka (2015) explains, on an experiential level we often default to thinking our partner is just like us and should be expected to think and communicate in the same way.  This is especially true if the conversation is emotive!  So keep in mind that if your date or partner is responding in a way you find challenging, this does not make them wrong.  Attempting to take on their perspective and ‘walk in their shoes’ is an instant de-fuser and gives insight into how to communicate and connect with that person.

In the next blog of this series, we will focus on the particular differences in communication styles, with tips on how to manage these with a view to building a close and rewarding relationship.

References

Aries, E., Shaver, P., Hendrick, C. (1987). Sex and gender. Review of personality and social psychology, Vol. 7, (pp. 149-176). Sage Publications, US.

Krycka, K. (2015). Psychotherapy for the other. Duquesne University Press, US.

Tannen, D. (2002).  You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Virago Press, London.