Don’t lose a fantastic relationship to poor communication – understanding the differences between how men and women communicate.

As Matchmakers, we know that many a relationship is lost not because of a poor match, but because of misunderstandings which occur due to the different ways in which men and women communicate.  Complaints such as ‘he didn’t understand me’ and ‘she was impossible to deal with’ are often cited as reasons for relationships ending, yet are often entirely avoidable.  People focus on the content of conversation without really understanding the differences in communication – which can lead to misinterpretation. 

The tragedy is, if people don’t understand communicative styles and their own role in the breakdown of communication, they take these problems into the next relationship and create exactly the same circumstances.  This is why people frequently split up with numerous partners for essentially the same reasons.  Understanding differences in how people communicate will enhance your dating success by helping you avoid pit-falls and instead foster closeness and understanding.

In this series of three blogs, we will look at the differences between how men and women communicate with tips on managing these differences.  Although we will explore generalities in men and women’s communication styles, these differences are not set in stone and may apply equally the other way round and within same-sex relationships.  The important point is to recognise and adapt our responses so that we truly create a meaningful connection.  This helps us to avoid George Bernard Shaw’s caution that, “the single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place”.

Men and women approach communication differently

Men and women often have different goals and needs in communication.  If we are unaware of this we can become hurt, offended or even exasperated when our partners response is not in accordance with our expectations.  For example, studies indicate that communication styles differ in a crisis.  Men often tend to offer a solution in an attempt to solve the problem as quickly as possible and reduce upset, whereas women also want to empathise and seek mutual understanding.  If these underlying motivations are not understood, men may feel frustrated about the time it is taking to discuss a problem, whereas women could think that the gentleman is being dismissive.  This creates an unnecessary rift.  Recognition of communicative styles and an understanding of where they come from means we can adapt our responses to create a real connection and exciting relationship.  This is worthy of consideration as we tend to underestimate how much relationships can be enhanced by talking – as the saying goes, ‘Romeo and Juliet are another example of why communication within a relationship is so crucial’.

You are and your partner are not the same person

This is the starting point for great communication, yet this seemingly obvious observation is actually the least remembered in relationships.  Frustration occurs when we expect our partners to view the world, process information and communicate in exactly the same way as we do.  On an intellectual level we would of course argue that we understand how background, experience and physiological differences combine to make each person view and interact with the world in their own unique way.  However, as Professor Krycka (2015) explains, on an experiential level we often default to thinking our partner is just like us and should be expected to think and communicate in the same way.  This is especially true if the conversation is emotive!  So keep in mind that if your date or partner is responding in a way you find challenging, this does not make them wrong.  Attempting to take on their perspective and ‘walk in their shoes’ is an instant de-fuser and gives insight into how to communicate and connect with that person.

In the next blog of this series, we will focus on the particular differences in communication styles, with tips on how to manage these with a view to building a close and rewarding relationship.

References

Aries, E., Shaver, P., Hendrick, C. (1987). Sex and gender. Review of personality and social psychology, Vol. 7, (pp. 149-176). Sage Publications, US.

Krycka, K. (2015). Psychotherapy for the other. Duquesne University Press, US.

Tannen, D. (2002).  You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation. Virago Press, London. 

Welcome to the world of dating…let the fun begin!

The world of dating can seem like a daunting place, especially if you have been out of ‘the game’ for a while. The thought of embarking on this journey can bring up fear and apprehension however, it doesn’t have to be that way.

If you are single and surrounded by friends in relationships, I am sure you are familiar with what I like to call ‘the advice’.  Friends and family offer advice from the safety of their committed relationships, for example, “you just have to get out there and meet people” or “just start talking to people and go on dates” but we all know it’s not always that easy.

'Advice’ coupled with questions, such as “how old are you now? Don’t you want to settle down?” This will naturally lead to feelings of panic; potentially questioning whether we are doomed to a life of loneliness should we do not immediately meet a compatible partner. So, although this advice comes from a place of love, it’s not always the most helpful.

I suggest breaking the partner search down into simple steps; it will feel a lot less daunting and a lot more fun. After all, finding your future partner is a wonderful thing and you should be enjoying the process.

Step one: Release the pressure

It takes a confident person to approach a stranger, striking up a conversation which could lead to a date. It can therefore be helpful to depressurise the situation. Don’t seek a future partnership in every encounter; instead simply seek opportunities to extend your social circle. This approach will hopefully make you feel more relaxed making it easier for things to develop naturally.

Step two: Drown out the noise

By this, I mean try to block out the pressure imposed by others of where you should be, in your romantic life, and focus on where you want to be. By keeping your goals in mind and the pressures of society out, it’s easier to remain focused on what you would like to achieve. We often give too much attention to unhelpful comments and subsequent thoughts. Try giving the helpful feedback and thoughts the attention it deserves. Thoughts influence our feelings and behaviour - so remember that you are worthy and you will feel better about yourself and act in ways to reinforce your worthiness.    

Step three: Just say yes   

Whenever we have to face a potentially daunting situation our natural instinct might be to avoid it. When single, the easy option is to spend your evenings at home hoping that somehow your perfect partner will come and find you. Well, I hate to point this out but Mr/Mrs right does not often come knocking on your front door.  

It is therefore time to start saying yes to every opportunity you have to meet someone new. This includes saying yes to that colleague who invites you for after work drinks, when what you’d really like to do is go home and enjoy a lovely glass of wine in the comfort of your living room. Or, saying yes when asked to try out that new restaurant. Saying yes to all these things means you are putting yourself out there without even realising it.

Step four: Ask for help and invest in you

In our busy lives today, so much of our time, energy and finances are spent on other people; the gift for your friend’s wedding, the donation to charity or perhaps volunteering at the country club. Although all these things are valuable, sometimes you have to take the time to invest in yourself. This means putting yourself first and clearing a regular slot in your diary to take part in activities you enjoy which will hopefully lead to you meeting that special someone.      

When it comes to asking for help, don’t be scared to get introductions from friends and acquaintances, but you can also treat dating like every other aspect of your life; if you wanted to buy a new car you would go to a car dealer, if you want to get fit you go a personal trainer, and, if you want to find love… there is always us matchmakers. 

Role Models in Relationships: help or hinderance?

“Role models are highly important for us psychologically, helping to guide us through life during our development, to make important decisions that affect the outcome of our lives, and to help us find happiness in later life”. Mark Thomas, The Importance of Role Models (2015)

Role models are like a long shadow quietly following behind you on a hot summer afternoon, silent but steadily with you wherever go. They are relevant in our intimate relationships as they can subtly inform many of our ideas and perceptions towards our partners, and as such they warrant some closer scrutiny.  As discussed in the previous article in this series about role models, they represent an example that we learn from, often admire and can thus imitate in our adult relationships. This gives role models a lot more sway then people often consciously realise, which can then go on to help or hinder current or new relationships, be it with a partner, friend or family member.

A friend of mine recently relayed a story which illustrated the shrewd presence of role models well. One Sunday morning, lying in bed, she had a smug grin on her face, hearing her partner turning on the kettle, she waited for coffee and breakfast in bed. This dreamy scenario quickly faded away, as she then saw the cheeky bugger sitting in the sun outside, drinking his own cup of coffee with the paper. Saying to me, how dare he have the audacity to not bring me coffee in bed when he is already making his own. Other than the obvious difference between the ways men and women often think, this situation pointed towards role models. Here was a situation where she was genuinely disappointed and shrugging his shoulders he simply said, I thought you would make coffee when you got up. It illustrates how far apart partners’ conceptualisation of ‘the right thing’ to do can be. These patterns of thinking often lead the way back to the examples we model ourselves on, imitate and what we expect.

In some instances, role models create strong and needed guidelines, and in others, can lead us astray, and create unattainable expectations. The mother of all evil is not money, but rather the elusive idea of expectations. With no expectations one cannot be disappointed, but this is not to say that one should have no standards. Quite the contrary, what we learn versus who we want to become and play out in our present day lives, becomes a balancing act between acknowledging the healthy models of behaviour instilled in us and letting go of irrelevant and negative images and experiences.  Research has shown that one of the reasons why role models are so important is that in order to do something ourselves, we need to first believe that it can be done and secondly, that we can do it (Darling, 2012). And this is where role models can have an enchanted power to propel us forward as they show us both.

Role models help us in the formation of relationships, because they give us a learnt behaviour to follow. In some ways they can provide a map for us to follow. For example, one can think that because I saw my father treat my mother with respect and care, I now expect and model my partner in a similar manner. In this way it is positive and can teach us the positive boundaries and ways we would like to be treated. If taken too far however, this can build up fairy tales which result in expecting to get breakfast in bed on a silver tray. This is not to say, that one should not be spoilt and adored by your partner, but you must be open to different ways of experiencing and expressing affection, learning each other’s language of love.

Other than creating unfair expectations, role models can hinder relationships if built on negative examples that we then learn to imitate. Fortunately, when looking closely at what your own memories, experiences and role models were, you can choose what you would like to grow in your present life, and what elements need to be thrown out, with the cold coffee. Having bad role models does not mean that one is stuck in a negative relationship pattern, and it can often rather be an inspiration for tremendous personal growth and development.

By putting role models on the table for discussion, be honest and ask yourself what you have learnt from your own role models, and what parts of that are positive or negative today. Take it apart, and then build it back together, using life experiences, honesty and the inspiration for healthy, fulfilled relationships, to create a role model that encourages you to be the best you, and so allows your partner to be the best version of them too, be that with a Sunday morning latte in bed or not.

References:

I Could Do That: Why Role Models Matter. Darling, N. 2012. Psychology Today. 

Creating a Wonderful Ongoing Relationship With Charisma

“One of the most beautiful qualities of a relationship is to understand and be understood”

                                                                                                                                            Lucius Annaeus Seneca

There is a wealth of literature regarding making an impression on those all-important early dates, but what about a few weeks and months down the line?  This is when the odd disagreement may occur, or old behaviour which has tainted previous relationships may resurface.  Many relationships break up not because the people weren’t right for each other, but because people are unaware of specific skills which build communication and understanding.  It’s therefore worth honing those charismatic traits to create a special and meaningful long-term relationship. Below are some skills for long-term relationship bliss.

1 Meet people on the emotional level first

This is an amazing skill which many people are unaware of.  When one party is upset or unhappy, the other party often attempts to fix this by jumping into problem-solving or talking about their own experience.  They are missing a vital charismatic skill – to really connect with someone you have to meet them on the emotional level before you share your story or try and improve the situation.  Truly empathising with someone first makes them feel heard and validates their emotional response which make subsequent problem-solving much easier.  Taking a moment to emotionally connect is one of the most charismatic skills you can use to bond in a long-term relationship.

2 Carry on listening

One of the first qualities to slip in a relationship is that of listening.  Feeling ‘heard’ is one of the key gifts a person of charisma gives to their partner, and not feeling heard is one of the precursors to infidelity!  Therefore remain attentive and attuned to your partner if you want to build an enduring relationship.  As Dale Carnegie once said, ‘rapt attention is the highest form of flattery’.

3 Cultivate humility and be able to laugh at yourself

A degree of humility is a bonding factor in a long-term relationship.  This enables people to recognise and apologise when they get something wrong.  Two of the biggest complaints in a longer-term relationship are partners who are ‘high maintenance’ or who believe they are always right.  Relationships should be fun, so we need to remember the importance of getting our ego’s out of the way and being able to laugh at ourselves.

4 Remember, you reveal your true self in a crisis

A tip for charismatic success in all areas of your life – remember that you show your true character when you’re under pressure.  So if a difficult conversation arises or a disagreement occurs, guard against being defensive or over-reacting and try to understand the problem.  Memorable people are those that are those that remain calm, genuine and focused in the face of conflict and difficulties.

5 Treat your partner like a billion pound customer

People frequently take their partners for granted, especially in the fullness of time.  This is partly human nature, but makes little sense when we consider that partners are among the most important people in our lives and therefore deserve the very best treatment.  Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and appreciation brings out the best in people which in turn feeds back into a successful relationship. 

Relationships are the biggest source of joy in our lives, so it’s worth developing skills to nurture them.  Remember that even one new idea which is implemented can change the whole course of a relationship.

References

Lindholm, C. (1993).  Charisma (2nd ed.).  London: Wiley-Blackwell.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2002).  Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realise Your Potential For Lasting Fulfillment. New York: Free Press.

Mr Darcy Dating Tips, How To Be More Attractive!

http://www.ethical-hedonist.com/mr-darcy-dating-tips_13062.html

Develop Charismatic Skills for Dating Success!

Physical attraction is important early in the dating process – no news there.  However, what is less well known is that we can influence how physically attractive we are perceived to be.  A study by Friedman, Riggio and Casella (1998) showed that those with specific charismatic skills were rated as being far more physically attractive than those who lacked these skills.  Therefore, the development of particular skills and traits can make you more attractive and help you make a magnetic first impression.

So what are these skills?

1. Get in the right mindset

It has been said that we are each a twenty-four hour broadcasting system sending out hundreds of signals a minute.  This is far too much to monitor and control on a moment-to-moment basis.  Fortunately, there is a short cut to help us ‘broadcast’ the right charismatic cues and that is to get into a charismatic mindset.  To do this, switch off the internal dialogue – this is a barrier to connection.  Studies show that our mind wanders in conversation about 47% of the time and dating nerves probably increases this percentage.  Instead, switch your focus entirely to the other person and focus on making them feel special and enjoying the experience.  This mindset should manifest as warm inviting body language, so always try to stay in the present and focus on the other person.

2. If you do find yourself nervous, don’t fidget

There are two reasons for this.  Firstly, fidgeting makes you look uncomfortable and even untrustworthy.  This was vividly illustrated in the televised presidential debates in the 60’s.  Many psychologists believe that Nixon’s fidgeting (which contrasted sharply with Kennedy’s charismatic poise) lost him the election. Secondly, the body transmits messages back to the brain, so physically relaxing the body tricks the brain into reducing anxiety which leaves you feeling more relaxed and able to enjoy your date.

3. Convey warmth

Warmth is one of the key factors in charisma.  It is a major factor in personal attractiveness as it makes people feel safe, comfortable and encourages them to be communicative – exactly what you want to quell those early date nerves and get the conversation going.  Additionally, if people feel good around you they are far more likely to be attracted to you.

4. Conversational style

We have focused primarily on non-verbal aspects of charisma, but what about conversation?  The most uncharismatic thing you can do in any verbal exchange is interrupt.  People actually feel resentful towards those who interrupt them.  Often the concern on early dates is what to say, but focusing on your date will naturally lead you to be curious and ask questions.  It’s also important to remember that your tone of voice is far more potent, in terms of the impact you have on someone, than the content of your words. 

5. Remember the words of Shakespeare, ‘the apparel oft proclaims the man’ (or woman!)

Although charisma is not solely about appearance, it’s hard to imagine charismatic people looking ungroomed.  People naturally take in a lot of visual information in the initial stages of dating as they are curious to find out more about you.  Therefore ensure you present yourself well.  That said, remember this important tip, ‘of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important’ (Zig Ziglar).

Above all, remember, you cannot fake these skills, you have to be genuine.  We have all met people who have learned interpersonal tricks but don’t realise they actually present as disingenuous.  People can read facial expressions in as little as seventeen milliseconds, so they can easily spot any pretence.

In the next and final blog of this series, we’ll look at how charismatic skills can help you build an amazing and meaningful relationship.

References

DePaulo, B. M. (1992). Nonverbal behaviour and self-presentation. Psychological Bulletin, vol 111(2), 203-243.

Friedman, H.S., Riggio, R.E. & Casella, D. F. (1998). Nonverbal Skill, Personal Charisma, and Initial Attraction. Social Psychology Bulletin, vol 14(1), 203-211.