Creating a Wonderful Ongoing Relationship With Charisma

“One of the most beautiful qualities of a relationship is to understand and be understood”

                                                                                                                                            Lucius Annaeus Seneca

There is a wealth of literature regarding making an impression on those all-important early dates, but what about a few weeks and months down the line?  This is when the odd disagreement may occur, or old behaviour which has tainted previous relationships may resurface.  Many relationships break up not because the people weren’t right for each other, but because people are unaware of specific skills which build communication and understanding.  It’s therefore worth honing those charismatic traits to create a special and meaningful long-term relationship. Below are some skills for long-term relationship bliss.

1 Meet people on the emotional level first

This is an amazing skill which many people are unaware of.  When one party is upset or unhappy, the other party often attempts to fix this by jumping into problem-solving or talking about their own experience.  They are missing a vital charismatic skill – to really connect with someone you have to meet them on the emotional level before you share your story or try and improve the situation.  Truly empathising with someone first makes them feel heard and validates their emotional response which make subsequent problem-solving much easier.  Taking a moment to emotionally connect is one of the most charismatic skills you can use to bond in a long-term relationship.

2 Carry on listening

One of the first qualities to slip in a relationship is that of listening.  Feeling ‘heard’ is one of the key gifts a person of charisma gives to their partner, and not feeling heard is one of the precursors to infidelity!  Therefore remain attentive and attuned to your partner if you want to build an enduring relationship.  As Dale Carnegie once said, ‘rapt attention is the highest form of flattery’.

3 Cultivate humility and be able to laugh at yourself

A degree of humility is a bonding factor in a long-term relationship.  This enables people to recognise and apologise when they get something wrong.  Two of the biggest complaints in a longer-term relationship are partners who are ‘high maintenance’ or who believe they are always right.  Relationships should be fun, so we need to remember the importance of getting our ego’s out of the way and being able to laugh at ourselves.

4 Remember, you reveal your true self in a crisis

A tip for charismatic success in all areas of your life – remember that you show your true character when you’re under pressure.  So if a difficult conversation arises or a disagreement occurs, guard against being defensive or over-reacting and try to understand the problem.  Memorable people are those that are those that remain calm, genuine and focused in the face of conflict and difficulties.

5 Treat your partner like a billion pound customer

People frequently take their partners for granted, especially in the fullness of time.  This is partly human nature, but makes little sense when we consider that partners are among the most important people in our lives and therefore deserve the very best treatment.  Everyone wants to feel appreciated, and appreciation brings out the best in people which in turn feeds back into a successful relationship. 

Relationships are the biggest source of joy in our lives, so it’s worth developing skills to nurture them.  Remember that even one new idea which is implemented can change the whole course of a relationship.

References

Lindholm, C. (1993).  Charisma (2nd ed.).  London: Wiley-Blackwell.

Seligman, M. E. P. (2002).  Authentic Happiness: Using the New Positive Psychology to Realise Your Potential For Lasting Fulfillment. New York: Free Press.

Mr Darcy Dating Tips, How To Be More Attractive!

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Develop Charismatic Skills for Dating Success!

Physical attraction is important early in the dating process – no news there.  However, what is less well known is that we can influence how physically attractive we are perceived to be.  A study by Friedman, Riggio and Casella (1998) showed that those with specific charismatic skills were rated as being far more physically attractive than those who lacked these skills.  Therefore, the development of particular skills and traits can make you more attractive and help you make a magnetic first impression.

So what are these skills?

1. Get in the right mindset

It has been said that we are each a twenty-four hour broadcasting system sending out hundreds of signals a minute.  This is far too much to monitor and control on a moment-to-moment basis.  Fortunately, there is a short cut to help us ‘broadcast’ the right charismatic cues and that is to get into a charismatic mindset.  To do this, switch off the internal dialogue – this is a barrier to connection.  Studies show that our mind wanders in conversation about 47% of the time and dating nerves probably increases this percentage.  Instead, switch your focus entirely to the other person and focus on making them feel special and enjoying the experience.  This mindset should manifest as warm inviting body language, so always try to stay in the present and focus on the other person.

2. If you do find yourself nervous, don’t fidget

There are two reasons for this.  Firstly, fidgeting makes you look uncomfortable and even untrustworthy.  This was vividly illustrated in the televised presidential debates in the 60’s.  Many psychologists believe that Nixon’s fidgeting (which contrasted sharply with Kennedy’s charismatic poise) lost him the election. Secondly, the body transmits messages back to the brain, so physically relaxing the body tricks the brain into reducing anxiety which leaves you feeling more relaxed and able to enjoy your date.

3. Convey warmth

Warmth is one of the key factors in charisma.  It is a major factor in personal attractiveness as it makes people feel safe, comfortable and encourages them to be communicative – exactly what you want to quell those early date nerves and get the conversation going.  Additionally, if people feel good around you they are far more likely to be attracted to you.

4. Conversational style

We have focused primarily on non-verbal aspects of charisma, but what about conversation?  The most uncharismatic thing you can do in any verbal exchange is interrupt.  People actually feel resentful towards those who interrupt them.  Often the concern on early dates is what to say, but focusing on your date will naturally lead you to be curious and ask questions.  It’s also important to remember that your tone of voice is far more potent, in terms of the impact you have on someone, than the content of your words. 

5. Remember the words of Shakespeare, ‘the apparel oft proclaims the man’ (or woman!)

Although charisma is not solely about appearance, it’s hard to imagine charismatic people looking ungroomed.  People naturally take in a lot of visual information in the initial stages of dating as they are curious to find out more about you.  Therefore ensure you present yourself well.  That said, remember this important tip, ‘of all the things you wear, your expression is the most important’ (Zig Ziglar).

Above all, remember, you cannot fake these skills, you have to be genuine.  We have all met people who have learned interpersonal tricks but don’t realise they actually present as disingenuous.  People can read facial expressions in as little as seventeen milliseconds, so they can easily spot any pretence.

In the next and final blog of this series, we’ll look at how charismatic skills can help you build an amazing and meaningful relationship.

References

DePaulo, B. M. (1992). Nonverbal behaviour and self-presentation. Psychological Bulletin, vol 111(2), 203-243.

Friedman, H.S., Riggio, R.E. & Casella, D. F. (1998). Nonverbal Skill, Personal Charisma, and Initial Attraction. Social Psychology Bulletin, vol 14(1), 203-211.

The Magic of Charisma

Just mention the word ‘charisma’ and people will think of a magical quality that a few fortunate individuals are born with.  It conjures up images of magnetic and dynamic people who appear to have a mystical charm. However, as a much studied topic among psychologists, all the evidence points to the idea that the quality of charisma can be learned.  

Undoubtedly, some people appear to be born with charisma.  But in-depth study into the people the world considers most charismatic, indicates that charisma is predominantly something they developed over time.  Charisma is associated with a particular mind-set and specific behaviours, therefore we can all develop our charismatic skills.

It can be mesmerising to be in the presence of someone who has charismatic skills.  Their presence has a direct impact on us, leading us to feel valued, inspired and making us want to converse and share our experiences.  

So how does this relate to successful dating and relationships?  Simply put, people with charismatic qualities have greater romantic success!  Over a series of three blogs, we’ll look at the qualities of charisma, how we can harness our charismatic skills for success on the dating scene, and how vital these skills are in creating an enchanting long-term relationship.

So what are the qualities of a charismatic person?

1 Charismatic people are enthusiastic and joyous

They have a joie de vivre which is infectious, and they appear appreciative and positive about their lives.  Even when faced with difficulty or fighting for a cause, they are passionate about overcoming adversity.  This trait is charismatic because the qualities exuded from these people create the same response in others.  So people around them find themselves inspired and joyful as well.

2 They don’t go out to try and impress others.

Charismatic people don’t feel they have anything to prove and are consequently more attentive to others.  This is beautifully illustrated by author Fox Cabane (2012) who describes how in 1886, political rivals William Gladstone and Benjamin Disraeli (who were competing for the post of Prime Minister) happened to take the same woman out to dinner.  She was subsequently probed about her experiences with each gentleman, and her response reveals the captivating power of charisma.  She stated, “when I dined with Mr Gladstone I thought he was the cleverest man in England, but after dining with Mr Disraeli I thought I was the cleverest person in England”.  His genuine interest and attentive demeanour made her feel impressive and important.  And guess who won the election!

3 Charismatic people emanate presence

Many people think having presence is all about status and grandeur, but when it comes to charisma, presence is about giving someone genuine and undivided attention.  This is when you hear people say of charismatic figures, “he made me feel like the only woman in the room”.  Having someone fully listen to us can be so rare that it feels like a gift when it happens.  Amazing listening skills are the key to presence – charismatic people listen more than they talk and their responses are more non-verbal than verbal.

4 They make other people feel amazing

Charismatic people truly give the other person the limelight, and in doing so make themselves memorable. The idea of being ‘interested and not interesting’ as a way to improving communication has become a cliché, but this is only because it is grounded in truth!  People associate you with the feelings you produce in them, so give others centre-stage and let them impress you.  Remember:

 “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care”

John C .Maxwell

References

Bono, J.E. & Ilies, R. (2006). Charisma, Positive Emotions and Mood Contagion.  The Leadership Quarterly, 17(4), 317-334. Fox Cabane, O. (2012).  The Charisma Myth.  New York: Penguin Group. Riggio, R. E. (1988). The Charisma Quotient: What It Is, How to Get It, How To Use It. New York: Dodd Mead.

Dating tips, be your own psychologist!

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Role models in Relationships: Who and what are role models?

A role model is a figure ‘looked to by others as an example to be imitated’; an inspirational ideal. This can certainly have positive impact, however, depending on who we role model, it can also have negative outcomes. In this series, we will explore the concept of role models in relationships.

Let’s first look at why they are important. Role models form an important part of our character development, emotional patterns and expectations, and so play significant roles in our adult relationships. They are often a starting point for our ideals, although, this can lead to idealistic expectations and heightened demands that are not necessarily attainable. Taking a closer look at our role models can help us see the flaws in our perceptions and viewpoints that have been modelled in unhealthy and inappropriate patterns. Later in the series, we will look at ways to adapt to a more realistic measuring stick.

According to Albert Bandura’s Social Learning Theory (McLeod, 2011), people learn behaviours from the environment around them through a process of observational learning. Role models then come from influential people in our environment, from our ‘besties’ to our childhood heroes, your father or your grandmother, people we admire become part of what we see as a role model in our future and current relationships. Even fictional characters from books and movies can play a part. This is one of the dangers in the media’s common portrayal of stereotypical male heroes or weak feminine princesses. It can be risky in the building up of an ideal, Mr. Darcy may not arrive in the rain with a carriage to rescue you. In society we are frequently exposed to negative models and in contrast, standards of perfect men and woman with fairy-tale endings. These are obviously not an accurate image of the struggles that are part of real human relationships, as anyone who has been in one knows. Role models should be created on real foundations such as trustworthiness, honesty, kindness and humour.

Males and females, as with just about everything else, have different processes in the creation of role models in relationships and ideals they want. Traditionally, men modelled themselves on the ideal of an all-powerful leader and hero that needs to be strong under all conditions, with “boys don’t cry” ringing in the background. This can be very damaging to our relationships as can result in modelling one’s behaviour on being emotionally inaccessible, but healthy relationships need open and honest communication and emotional connection to grow.

Women, alternatively, can have the image of the domesticated female imprinted on them from societal and historical ideals, the blushing rose, beautiful but subdued. This in turn encourages the all –powerful male ideal, while undermining the empowered and independent woman. But what happens when the female is the main bread winner? Research has shown that conflict can arise in this situation as males can feel emasculated, based on the idea of leader and provider, and the woman can feel resentful, for pulling the extra weight. Fortunately today, as gender roles become more liberated and we are encouraged in our individuality, rather than antiquated ideas from centuries past, this is becoming less prevalent. However, this does demonstrate the subtle nature of role-models and how they can cause the undoing of otherwise solid partnerships.

The good news about role models, both positive and negative ones, is that they are not set in stone. Rather they are adjustable. Examining your own history and understanding who you look up to and why, can provide a space for personal development and growth. Each of us has the freedom to work towards developing well-balanced and new patterns of functioning in relationships.

Role models are a powerful force that are often unseen, but frequently can be an image or pattern that we imitate in intimate relationships. By examining and engaging with what we admire and model our relationships on, we are empowered to create our own, not past ones imprinted on us, but rather one carefully constructed to reflect more mature, adult values, morals and ideals.

References:

McLeod, S.A. (2011). Bandura – Social Learning Theory. Retrieved from www.simplypsychology.org/bandura.html

Hepper, E. G. & Carnelley, K.b. (2012). Attachment and romantic relationships: The role of models of self and other. In M. Paludi (Ed), The psychology of love (Vol. 1, pp. 133-154). Santa Barbara, CA: Praeger.