Ways to reduce the emotional distress of Rejection.

In my last blog I talked about how our need, as social animals living in groups, motivates us to avoid rejection and to seek acceptance. And, when rejection does occur, how we are differentially affected. Some of us experience strong responses to being rejected becoming emotional, even hostile, or emotionally withdrawn and depressed. Others amongst us take it more calmly and rationalise it as part of life’s ups and downs.

In this, my final discussion on rejection, I give some ideas about how we can deal with rejection and move forward in a more positive and healthy frame of mind. I will be specifically focusing on improvement strategies related to our levels of self-esteem and our emotional sensitivity to rejection; both of which I identified in my last blog, as factors that differentiate our individual reaction to rejection.

Increasing our self-esteem:

Recent neuro-scientific evidence[i]  has found that individuals with higher levels of self-esteem seemed to be more resilient to the psychological distress caused by rejection and that positive self-esteem acted as an emotional buffer to the rejection experience. So how do we increase our self-esteem?

Top tips for increasing Self-Esteem;

v  Having good self-esteem is synonymous with self-acceptance; accepting yourself the way you are, without judgement. It does not mean that you can’t be better, more successful in the future; each of us are a ‘work in progress’. But recognising and accepting weaknesses as well as strengths helps to give us the confidence to be or do better in the future. Start by writing down the positive and negative aspects of yourself, at least ten of each – make it equal. This process by itself will act as a positive affirmation of self-acceptance.

v  Avoid any unfair and unnecessary criticism of yourself.  When criticism happens challenge yourself on the fairness of the criticism. If it is justified, accept it and use it to help you set goals for yourself - working towards positive and active change rather than ruminating in paralysing negativity.

v  Pay attention properly to any nice things that happen to you, celebrate your successes and believe it when individuals compliment you.

v  When criticised and rejected use the experience to practice self-acceptance which will in turn weaken the thinking associated with low self-esteem and strengthen positive self-regard.

Reducing the effects of high rejection sensitivity:

Interestingly the research shows that developing an ability to exercise self-control helps to create an emotional buffer to rejection, even for those with high rejection sensitivity[ii] Further research has also shown that when individuals, whose personality predisposes them to experiencing a strong emotional response to rejection, learn a coping strategy which involves a rational thinking style, such as deciding to view the situation from another more positive perspective, their ability to control their emotional response to rejection increases.[iii]

Top Tips in learning how to control our emotions

v  Practice Mindfulness and learn, through meditation, how to control your emotions by focusing on ‘the moment’. So rather than engaging with your thoughts immediately as they arise in your mind, choose instead not to engage with or let those thoughts run rampant but instead just observe them, let them pass and then decide when you are going to pay attention to those specific thoughts, including those that might worry you.

v  Learn about Cognitive Behavioural Therapy and then practice a number of different strategies including: reinterpreting the event, (describe the experience (i.e. rejection) in a way that is detached and uses non-emotive language), reappraise the event by seeing any positives in the event, for example viewing it as a learning experience rather than focusing on the negative and catastrophising.

v  Put your feelings into words as recent neuro-scientific research[iv] has shown that putting our feelings into words reduce the emotional impact of negative emotional events such as rejection.

We have focused on rejection recently because it is a huge factor that inhibit us from fulfilling our relationship goals. Hopefully, this series of blogs will help you to look at rejection a little differently, fear it less and take steps to build self-esteem and find the relationship you deserve.  

[i] Onoda, K., Okamoto, Y., Nakashima. K., Nittono, H., Yoshimura, S., Yamawaki, S., Yamaguchi, s., & Ur, M (2010). Does low self-esteem enhance social pain? The relationship between trait self-esteem and anterior cingulate cortex activation induced by ostracism. Soc Cogn Affect Neurosci. Dec; 5(4): 385-91.

[ii] Carducci, B. J. (2009). "Basic Processes of Mischel's Cognitive-Affective Perspective: Delay of Gratification and Conditions of Behavioral Consistency". The Psychology of Personality: Viewpoints, Research, and Applications. John Wiley and Sons. pp. 443–4. ISBN 978-1-4051-3635-8.

[iii] Kross, E., & Clasen, P. (2008). Neural Processes in Rejection Sensitivity: Differences in Emotional Appraisal or Control? In F. Erkman (Ed.), Acceptance: The Essence of Peace. Selected Papers from the First International Congress on Interpersonal Acceptance and Rejection, (pp. 51-66). Istanbul: Turkish Psychology Association.

[iv] Lieberman, M.D, Eisenberger, N. I., Crockett, M.J., Tom, S. M., Pfeifer, J. H., & Way, B. M.( 2007). Putting Feelings into Words. Psychological Science, 18,(5), 421-428.

How does Rejection affect us?

As social animals, we choose to live in groups and because of this close dependency on others within our environment, we are motivated to avoid rejection and to seek acceptance. 

However, most people will experience rejection at some point in their life time. It is also likely that your life experience has already shown you that some people seem to handle rejection better or worse than others. Some of us have a strong emotional response and reaction when we are rejected, becoming emotional, even hostile, or emotionally withdrawn and depressed. Others amongst us take it more calmly, perhaps believing that it is, “Part of life”, and “An opportunity for learning and personal growth.”

It is clear that our personal experience of rejection is by definition subjective and influenced by individual differences including our emotional sensitivity to it and our levels of self-esteem.

Rejection Sensitivity

Research studies by Geraldine Downey and Scott Feldman[1] in the 1990’s showed that sensitivity to rejection differed quite dramatically between individuals with some people being much more sensitive to the experience of rejection; whether in their individual expectations of it happening, their individual perception of it, as well as their emotional reaction to it. Downey & Feldman suggested in their research that it is our early experiences of rejection by significant others that could explain why some of us have a tendency towards higher rejection sensitivity. Not surprisingly, the same research also found high rejection sensitivity to be associated with an individuals’ greater tendency to experience unsatisfactory and disappointing relationships.

Levels of Self-Esteem and Self-Worth

It might be natural for us to assume that we should all share a predisposition to liking ourselves and that because we have a positive view of ourselves, we should all have high self-esteem and self-worth. However, social psychology research shows us there are a number of factors which can influence an individual’s level of self-esteem; an important one being the views that we believe that others have of us.

An established social psychology theory known as ‘Sociometer Theory’ [2] describes our self-esteem as an internal measure of the extent to which we feel socially accepted and/or rejected. In other words, this theory suggests that our level of self-esteem is defined by others.  Based on this theory it might be logical to assume that those of us who suffer from low self-esteem and hold negative views of ourselves might be particularly vulnerable to social rejection.

Levels of self-esteem and sensitivity can make us differ in our response to rejection. In the next article, my final discussion on rejection, I give some ideas about how we can deal with rejection by developing and strengthening our self-esteem and emotionally buffering ourselves against the impact that rejection can have, even for those people with high rejection sensitivity.

1       Downey, G., & Feldman, S. (1996). Implications of rejection sensitivity for intimate relationships. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 70, 1327-1343.

2       Leary, M. R., Tambor, E. S., Terdal, S. K., & Downs, D. L. (1995). Self-esteem as an interpersonal monitor: The sociometer hypothesis. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 68, 518-530.

Flirting Series: Flirting Communication Styles

On the surface, flirting may be described as an ‘art’ which becomes an expertise and we naturally try (some more successfully than others) to master. Individuals naturally perfect the way they view flirting; it may be a certain look, a flutter of eye lids, a puff of their chest, a touch of their hand… however these self-made flirting experts may be unsure if their date is picking up on their [less than] subtle cues, or may not know if their date is flirting back.

Being unable to recognise if someone you are dating is flirting with you is a natural occurrence. “I am not sure if he/she liked me?” is something even elite Matchmakers regularly answer and address with their clients. Ask yourself if you are aware if someone whom you thought you had a connection with, is flirting with you? Unless you both happen to have the same flirting style – you are likely to be unsure of the answer!

So what is a flirting style? Although flirting is about nonverbal sexualised and romantic communication, which seems quite straight forward, it is vital to recognise the importance social psychology and individual differences play in this apparently ‘playful’ act. It has been suggested that we each have our own unique mix of flirting communication styles and as such, we accept and see flirting in different ways.

Dr Hall, expert in communication, identified five key communication styles in flirting[1]:

1.     Physical           - Emphasis on body language & the physical expression of interest with

sexual intent

2.     Polite              - Focus on manners and politeness

3.     Playful            - Focus on flirting with little or no long term romantic interest

4.     Sincere           - Focus on creating a sincere and strong emotional connection

5.     Traditional      - Focus on traditional roles of male and female input

Individuals have a mix between these five styles, with higher percentages in certain areas. Depending on their own individual differences they develop, experience and subsequently uphold different types of relationships;

1.  Physical          Develop relationships quickly and experience a strong sexual chemistry.

2.  Polite             Develop deeper relationships which are long standing and mature over a period       of time. They do not enjoy the flirting norms.

3.   Playful           Need flirting to boost self-esteem & generally see it as a playful, meaningless act rather than an important stage of developing a relationship.

4.   Sincere          Develop meaningful relationships with sexual chemistry being secondary to emotional connection.

5.   Traditional     Women who are traditional often feel as if they are not noticed by men. Traditional males will wait longer before developing a relationship with their match and the process of courting will be slow.

Understanding these differences helps us understand that someone who is dominant in a physical style may not connect with an individual who shows dominance in a polite style… these differences can be one reason why some people just don’t ‘click’ or cannot find a connection despite being similar in interests and lifestyle. We previously discussed how ‘just not clicking’ could be due to the ‘mate assessment’ stage of attraction, and as such could be due to the Power of Smell [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/12/psychology-of-attraction-the-power-of-smell] or the Power of the First Kiss [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/11/the-psychology-of-the-first-kiss].

Although on a basic level we are now aware of differences in how individuals interpret flirting, we are none the wiser on the style mix of our current match. We can however look at generalisations where research based on 5,020 participates found that women score higher on physical, polite, sincere and traditional styles where as men showed higher scores in playful styles. Hall et al (2010) also found that a mix of high scores/dominance in physical, sincere and playful styles actually is a predictor of dating success and relationship success is seen in those with mutually high scores in physical and sincere styles.

It is therefore important to understand that your intention: long term relationship vs short term fling, and your flirting style: dominance in physical, polite, playful, sincere or traditional, are in line with one another. It is at this point that you may be able to look at previous unsuccessful dates and recognise the similarities creating an unsuccessful interaction and subsequently you can make positive change.

[1] Hall. J.A (2013). The Five Flirting Styles: Use the Science of Flirting to Attract the Love You Really Want.

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Flirting Series: The origins of flirting and why we flirt

Following the success of our recent blog: The Psychology of Flirting [http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/11/the-psychology-of-flirting-the-body-language-of-love], and with Valentines approaching we have written an accompanying series on the subject of Flirting, allowing us to further explore westernised flirting as an individual subject as well as its importance in developing a special connection which can progress onto a relationship.

The origins of flirting date back to the 16th Century and is one of the most important aspects in the development of the most established and mature of relationships. Known as ‘coquetry’, flirting was first defined in the Oxford Dictionary in its first edition as to ‘flit’ or ‘flick’ – demonstrating an absence of seriousness and acting with frivolity. It is now coined to ‘play at love’.

Flirt: [Verb] To Behave as though sexually attracted to someone, but playfully rather than with serious intentions[1]

Although this, and past definitions of flirting may seem like an act for young couples in lust, it is actually experienced throughout the beginning of all relationships although it is prudent to point out that as we mature we find flirting harder to act upon or recognise. This is something we will address later in our series: The Importance of Flirting.

On a simple level, flirting is described as an ‘art’, an area which we individually master in a unique way. It may be a look, a touch… it is about nonverbal sexualised communication. When looking at the history of how individuals flirt, we have to recognise that in the past individuals would meet a date through a friend or in person, immediately allowing for coy looks to be exchanged as well as non-verbal body language. We naturally play out a romantic scene of boy meets girl at a 1950’s funfair with a feeling of instant connection to one another, witnessing playful looks and bashful eyes.

If we fast forward to today, we can see that how we meet dates is evolving and, as such, flirting is developing. This means we add an additional stage to the dating process; virtual flirting, which is becoming an everyday occurrence - flirting by email, text, MMS… In a society where it is harder to meet new people, individuals are turning to Matchmakers and online introduction agencies to meet their soul mate and as such have to engage in written forms of flirtation. This poses a problem for the norms of flirtation as we cannot read body language and non-verbalise cues but instead have to develop the ability to pick up on cues in written text, small aspects of humour or wit and cheeky comments. Just as in person, virtual flirting is a skill and allows you to make a connection with someone before being presented with the opportunity to meet face-to-face.

Why we flirt

Relationship expects have suggested that flirting is primarily driven by six motivations; sexual, relational, exploring, esteem, instrumental and fun[2].

First and foremost, we flirt to become closer to individuals. This relational motivation could be maintaining relationships we are already in, or to develop new relationships. Sexual motives are also present here, allowing for greater sexual desire. Both of these motives may therefore develop a friendship into a relationship or take an already blossoming date, into a full bloom relationship.

We also use flirting to explore others emotions and feelings in a jovial and light way. This helps us avoid being hurt by pursuing individuals who are not interested in us and allows for self-protection– if the individual returns the flirtatious acts, it allows us to understand where we stand on their friendship-relationship scale and adjust our feelings or actions accordingly.

We also flirt merely for fun and instrumental motives, being playful or flirting for a cause (such as flirting for someone to buy you a drink) which can help to achieve increased feelings of self-esteem. Having flirtatious acts reciprocated allows us to feel positive about ourselves and subsequently can make us feel sexier and more desirable.

Knowing the reasons why you flirt is an important first step. However to better explore and understand what flirting actually is and how we flirt, we have to firstly appreciate individual differences and the importance social psychology plays in flirting. Our next article in the series on Flirting Communication Styles enables us to truly explore the importance of acknowledging each person to be an individual when it comes to the apparently trivial act that is flirting.

[1] http://www.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/english/flirt

[2] http://media2.stcloudstate.edu/ereserves/cmst/211/34125059.pdf

What is Rejection?

Rejection. Refusal, non-acceptance, declining, turning down, no, dismissal, spurning, rebuff

In this, the first in a series of articles on Rejection, I begin by describing a psychological hypothesis which can be used to explain why our language contains such a powerful word for the rejection experience itself and second, how and why the word rejection is differentially defined by individuals.

It is my aim that by the end of this series that you will have your awareness raised about aspects of rejection, see that you are not alone in your rejection experience and understand how, with practice, you can use your already existing mental architecture to use the rejection experience to your advantage.

Turning first to an explanation of why such an emotive word exists in our language to describe our experience of rejection. A point in which to start is an acknowledgment that we are social animals and very few of us choose to live in isolation from others.

Research by psychologists Roy Bauminster and Mark Leary[i] put forward a compelling argument for why we make the decision to closely connect and bond with others. They suggest that as social animals we have the need for a sense of ‘belongingness.’ They argue that this need motivates us to form close personal attachments with significant others in our lives and, even when the connection with a significant other no longer brings us any emotional or financial benefit, we find it very difficult to break the bond. This suggests that our need to belong transcends our need for physical security, rather it provides us with a sense of purpose or meaning in our life which it appears from the research is a necessary part of our well-being.

It is not surprising then that we have a powerful word in our dictionary for a state of ‘not belonging,’ the word rejection, and that when we are rejected, by a group or individual that we have a desire to form, or already have formed, a close connection with, we experience a powerful emotional response as our need for belongingness is being threatened.

Turning next to how individuals differentially define rejection. Most people if asked to define rejection would likely cite specific cases of their own personal experience. The particular instance chosen by them being either the most salient or meaningful, or their most recent rejection experience and therefore the example most easily brought to mind.

Recently, I asked four people to give me their definition of rejection and these were the responses I received;

“Rejection is someone not accepting me for who I am and then leaving me”

“Someone who refuses my request”

“Lack of acceptance, understanding and love”

“Someone not wanting you”

Expanding on these differences in definition, imagine if someone had recently experienced being rejected by their partner or had been made redundant or not been accepted for a job position or university course, or not had their telephone call returned, these different events will more readily spring to the mind of the individuals who have recently experienced them.

Further, and depending on the importance that the individual placed on the meaning of the rejection, their definition of rejection might have strong negative emphasis or minor negative inference and it will be placed somewhere on the individuals’ continuum of emotional impact. 

To conclude, our individual and subjective experience is not the only individual difference that determines our definition of rejection. Our definition can also be influenced by individual differences of mood, personality, levels of confidence and self-esteem, gender, culture, and our ability to regulate or control our emotional state.

In the next of my series on rejection, I look at more closely at the area of individual differences and how they impact on our subjective experience of rejection.

1Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497-529.