Christmas: Tis The Season for…Reflection?

Christmas is a time of year where we pull our nearest and dearest close to us. But it is also a time of year that the gaps in our lives, and particularly our romantic lives, may become more apparent.

For the festive season, we quickly become wrapped in the busy periods of shopping, seeing loved ones, festive parties and indulging where we normally wouldn’t. However this could be a time of the year we take a step back and revaluate and reflect on what we have achieved in our relationship goals, and of course what we are looking to achieve for our future.

Reflection; Ask yourself the right questions

Take a moment today to reflect. It is easy to forget about your dating experiences, the patterns noticeable in your past relationships and the dating faux pas that keep reoccurring. We can also get carried away with looking for the ‘perfect person’, discounting individuals based on small aspects such as their height, hair colour or star sign, but instead should be considering looking for the ‘perfect relationship’ – a relationships where you are understanding of one another, having the same levels of compassion and valuing their needs and happiness as much as your own, receiving care and intimacy, sharing thoughts and sharing common interests with each other.

Reflection will help you regroup and enable you to understand what is truly important for finding love moving in to the New Year. By asking yourself the following questions, you will allow yourself time to reflect on your relationship history and its future;

Relationship Ideas;

1.     Who is my relationship role model?

2.     What type of relationship do they have?

3.     What issues do I think they have overcome together?

4.     How do I think they have done this?

5.     What is my idea of the perfect relationship for me?

6.     Where do my ideas of the perfect relationship stem from?

Past Relationships;

1.     What similarities in my past relationships has there been?

2.     What differences can be seen in my past relationships?

3.     Can I see emerging patterns in types of people I date or I am attracted to?

4.     Do I have reoccurring ideas that dominate my relationships or end my relationships?

5.     Do I act the same way when issues arise in my relationships?

About you;

1.     Am I happy in myself?

2.     What are the top three things that are important to my life?

3.     Do I have a good work life balance to allow for a committed relationship?

4.     Am I willing to put the time and effort into meeting someone new?

5.     Why do I think that I haven’t found this relationship so far?

6.     What changes do I need to make to myself to be the best partner?

Moving Forward;

1.     What am I actually doing to pro-actively find the love I hope for?

2.     Am I ready to accept a person into my life?

3.     What do I want from a relationship?

4.     What would my ideal relationship be like?

5.     What are deal breakers for me in a relationship?

By being open with yourself will help you recognise and acknowledge the areas in your romantic life that may need more work for the New Year. This honesty will often cause ambivalence on if we should move forward with certain relationships, if we are looking for the right type of relationship or if we need new goals or our expectations of others, realigned. Change is uncomfortable and often we find ourselves falling into old habits or discounting people based on trivial aspects. However, remember that acknowledgment of where change is needed is the first step to creating a plan moving forward.

Sometimes acting as our own life coach can be tricky as our self-talk may not reflect what is best for us. In this case it might be useful for us to chat to a third party – a life coach/relationship coach who can help to achieve the change needed to help you fulfil your relationship goals. After all, there is no progress without change.

Seasonal Festive Stress: The Effects on Couples and How to Manage it.

Psychologists note that the majority of individuals who encounter stress over the festive period fail to recognise or acknowledge it, putting it down to tiredness or hangovers. When spending more money than usual, spending time with in-laws, guests and extended family, coupled with corporate festive commitments, demands (and tall orders) from children or from family members.  It’s no surprise– we can see that the expectation of a Perfect Christmas, goes hand in hand with stress.

For couples, there is additional stress: trying to make the time together special, meeting each other’s expectations for the festive period and trying to manage the festive period together – so by midnight on New Year’s Eve, they still have each other to kiss.

Causes of Seasonal Stress

The two weeks before Christmas is one of the ‘peak times’ for couples to break-up, the festive holidays notoriously bring to the surface the little cracks in relationships, possibly causing relationships already struggling to break down. It’s important to understand the causes for stress before knowing how to reduce or manage them, ensuring your relationship stays strong over the Christmas period and into the New Year.

Expectations:  Whether it be the expectations of children, wanting that ‘must-have’ toy, or the expectations of family, friends and partners; it’s important to be realistic. Do not try to achieve the impossible and remember to be inclusive of your partner. If you are attending events together, or family event, make sure you do not leave them out or exclude them in conversations – it is easy to be complacent with the people we love the most.

‘Our Christmas’:  The term ‘our’ is important. ‘In our house we do this…’, ‘for our Christmas we always’.  If you are a new couple, merging the traditions you are both used to can cause stress for both of you. For the more established relationships we often use the terms ‘our’ ‘us’ ‘we’. Speaking, arranging, or organising, for another person can cause them additional stress. Be mindful.

Logistics:  We are expected to share ourselves throughout the festive holidays, often between our own family and that of our partners. If your families do not live close to one another, stress can often be the result of trying to visit everyone within a short space of time.

Patience:  Stress is often caused when a loved one runs out of patience, with added pressure, we often become short and snappy. If you see this happening, make sure you acknowledge and recognise it and say the important words: ‘I’m sorry’.

Role Reversal:  When you visit parents, Psychologists see a shift from you being the adult to suddenly being your parent’s child again and quickly adapting to the house rules. This is a difficult task when trying to get your partner, and possibly children, to do the same. It is important to acknowledge how your partner might perceive this role shift as it may make them feel quite uncomfortable, especially if you do not visit your parents often. This will cause stress for you and your partner.

How to Manage Seasonal Stress

Make time for Each other:  Making time for your partner is important. Although you and your partner will be jointly attending all the festivities, with the Christmas rush it is easy to muddle through and forget to spend time alone with your partner. Make a few dates where you will spend time alone together to stay connected – visit Christmas markets, attending the ballet or a theatre production. Whatever you enjoy as a couple, make time for one other. Remember that as stress increases, the care for your relationship should also increase.

Communication:  This is key. Speaking to each other will help build and maintain the romantic bond. If you feel your partner is being unrealistic, speak with them about your concerns and tell them what is important for you. Take a step back and look at your own behaviour – we often see ourselves as not being in the wrong but try and see yourself from your partner’s perspective. If an apology is in order, acknowledge it.

Being united:  ‘Our’ Christmas and the way you used to do it changes when you’re in a relationship. Create your own traditions, recognising the important things to both of you from your childhood or past that you both want to continue forward.

Helping each other:  Often when your partner is stressed, it is easy to offer advice. Be careful here, because this can come across as that you can handle the situation better than them, creating feelings of inadequacy. Instead, offer a compassionate ear. Often unloading the feeling of stress can help share the load whereas. Affection, which releases the love hormone Oxytocin, also helps reduce stress so cuddling your partner will help lift their mood.

Create a Plan:  Pre-arranging when you will see each other’s family, shop, organise, prepare and even tidy for the festive Holidays will help manage each other’s expectations and that of others.

Time:  Give yourself enough time to complete the mundane tasks as well as the things you will enjoy together. Avoid leaving things to the last minute so you can have that added time with your partner instead of wrapping last minute gifts.

Although Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year, taking notice of your partner and their feelings throughout the festive period will help make them feel special and cared for, allowing you both to enjoy the festivities.

Psychology of Attraction: The Power of Smell

We may like the subtle smell of a designer fragrance on our partner, however, when it comes to attraction and mate assessment, the power of smell may have a deeper role than you think.

Olfaction [the sense of smell] is one of our strongest primitive and most intimate senses – breathing in the smell of potential mates around you. It is widely known that pheromones are partly responsible for attraction, in particular sexual attraction.  Each individual has a unique smell which can be undetectable by the conscious nose, but can be seen as an outward display of individual genes and traits.

In terms of mate assessment, smell therefore becomes vital. Reaching the emotional cortex of the brain quicker than touch or taste, smell allows our brains to quickly assess mate compatibility and in turn, attraction. In an evolutionary psychological perspective, this could be linked to survival and reproduction. Smell helps our brains assess an individual’s gene pool, fertility, illness etc. - including judging how someone handles stressful situations and even traits they may pass on to subsequent children. These aspects are subconsciously assessed before we even come into physical contact with the individual. We can then further assess suitability through the first kiss (see our blog: http://www.seventy-thirty.com/blog/2014/11/the-psychology-of-the-first-kiss), which is an additional aspect of mate assessment.

Are there differences between men and women?

Research by McClintock (2005)[1] found that women are particularly apt when it comes to the power of smell. Women can detect minute gene differences in the male’s odor and demonstrate a preference for particular males who share compatible genetics.

Men however, are not so attuned to detecting genetic similarities based on olfaction, despite men and women both receiving and processing smells in the same way from a neuropsychological standpoint. This could be due to the primitive mating reasons, men want to merely pass on their genes and have an element of quantity over quality, whereas women’s primitive needs are to find a mate with different but compatible genes to her own, allowing for an advantage for subsequent children (Wedekind 1995)[2]. The need and ability to sense these aspects increases during fertile cycles, increasing attraction (and ability to smell out) to the right type of male during the vital ovulation period. Women taking contraceptive pills, whose bodies experience ‘pregnancy hormones’ preventing ovulation, are therefore at a disadvantage – being unable to readily assess the smell of their mate, often resulting in poorer mate selection by seeking smell of males or individuals with the same genetic smell to them – such as relatives, who, in theory, would help rear the baby.

Smell therefore can then be seen as an element of natural selection for women making the best father choice possible for their future offspring as well as selecting the right match emotionally for her. So the next time you decide to splash on another spritz of your fragrance, remember that your date is looking to smell (and meet) the real you.

[1] McClintock, M. K, Bullivant, S., Jacon S., Spencer, N., Ober, Z., Ober C. (2005) Human Body Scents: Conscious Perceptions and Biological Effects. Chem. Senses Vol. 30 1. Pp.135-137.

[2] Wedekind, C., Seebeck T., Bettens, F., Paepke A. J. (1995) Proceedings: Biological Sciences, Vol. 260, No. 1359. pp. 245-249.

Can the Myers Briggs (MBTI) Personality Test Help to Understand and Improve our Romantic Relationships?

Many people have heard of the MBTI, the psychological test called the Myers Briggs type indicator. It has widespread use as a personality tool in the workplace and in coaching and counselling. My question is can it help us to understand and improve romantic relationships? This is not an easy question to answer because the test itself is very general as it measures our pre-disposition or tendency to behave in certain ways, rather than define fixed personality traits.

Further, there are many ways in which people are attracted to each other, and the MBTI cannot, by definition, be used to predict success in mate selection as there are many factors which can influence our partner choice and are indicative of longevity in relationships.

The MBTI simply identifies our psychological preferences/types in the general way that we like to think and act. It measures four areas where people can be fundamentally different. The first concerns the way we like to become energised, the second is concerned with how we like to handle information, the third looks at our preferred way of making decisions and the fourth is about how we like to organise our activities. Our psychological types are determined by our scores on each of the 4 pairs of dichotomous (either/or) preferences. For example, my preferences tend to be scored as INFJ.

Below gives a brief outline of the types which I’m sure many of you are already familiar with.

MBTI Either/Or Preference Pairs

How do you prefer to recharge your batteries?

• (E) – Extraversion Preference for being involved in the external world of action and people
• (I) – Introversion Preference for the inner world of thoughts, feelings and reflection.

How do you prefer to understand and interpret new information?

• (S) – Sensing Preference for gathering and trusting information that is concrete and tangible
• (N) – Intuition Preference for gathering and trusting information that is more abstract, associated with meaning  and recognisable patterns

What is your preferred decision making method?

• (T) – Thinking Preference for logical, rational and detached method
• (F) – Feeling Considers the impact of decisions on others, evaluates pros and cons

How do you prefer to relate to the outside world?

• (J) – Judging Preference for planning, and being organised in the external world
• (P) – Perceiving Preference for a spontaneous, adventurous and flexible approach in the outside world 

So how might identifying these preferences be used to enhance our relationship with others?

1. We might find that we obtain a deeper understanding of ourselves and each other by identifying our preferences. For example if one partner is identified as having a preference for an introverted (I) focus, whilst the other is identified as having an extravert (E) preference, understanding this difference may inform both parties of the potential need for tolerance, as these two facets of personality are very different in terms of way that energy is gained. Further, those with an (I) preference like to think first and then speak, whereas a (E) preference tend to speak as they think. Without awareness partnerships, where each individual has one of these two different styles, can be quite tricky. 
2. Awareness of preferences might serve to ease friction within relationships as couples might find that they each have a different decision making preference. For example people who show a ‘thinking’ (T) preference, make decisions primarily on logic whereas people with a ‘feeling’ (F) preference, make decisions based on how the people involved will be affected. Understanding these differences might help to ease any tension that might be present between couples when joint decisions have to be made.
3. Understanding communication styles - It is important to recognise that some people like to communicate by emphasising matters of fact and details (S), whereas others prefer to communicate the bigger picture, connecting different pieces of information from different sources (N). If one person in the couple is (S) and the other is (N), awareness of the difference can help mitigate the potential for misunderstanding.
4. Making plans – Individuals with a (P) preference have a tendency to avoid making plans and instead have a more spontaneous approach; (J) individuals, on the other hand, enjoy making plans. Again, with an awareness of these differences, individuals each with different preference type may find it much easier to understand the others’ unique approach.

Perhaps you should try an MBTI test, there are a number of internet sites that freely allow you to do so, and see what you and your partner’s preferences are. Use it as a forum for discussion and understanding; a way to deepen your connection with your significant other.

And…even if you are a sceptic of the scientific basis of the MBTI, you will find that just placing a focus and spending some time learning how each other prefers to think and act will help you both to raise your awareness of the similarities and differences between you. The similarities will bond you and any differences can be viewed in a more benign and loving way.

Elite Luxury Matchmaking Services by Seventy Thirty - The Top Tier thetoptier.net

Written by Doron Levy on 20 November 2014. Posted in Luxury Products & Trends

Online dating and matchmaking is a huge business these days and that also extends to the luxury category. Affluent singles have turned to elite matchmaking services to fulfill their desires for companionship. We had the exclusive pleasure of speaking to Susie Ambrose, CEO and founder of Seventy Thirty, an elite matchmaking service based in London.

Susie shares her thoughts on the industry and her business:

TheTopTier: Matchmaking services seem to be all the rage these days. What led you to get into the 'elite' matchmaking business? 

Susie Ambrose: A gap in the market. Like every genuine and creative entrepreneur, once I spotted that there was no company which catered exclusively to ultra-high net worth individuals back in 2003, I created the first exclusive luxury matchmaking company.

TTT: Do you feel this is a market that will continue growing? What is the future potential for this type of business? 

SA:  It’s difficult to predict, as we are now in a digitally-dominated era and younger generations prefer to use various dating apps. However, the art and business of matchmaking would always appeal to people who prefer a discreet and personalised bespoke luxury service. 

TTT: Are there any standardized criteria for you to take on a client? Net worth, income, etc? 

SA: Absolutely. Our Members are UHNWIs who are accustomed to consistently receiving an exceptional high quality service. We are the experts in luxury and we admire finer things in life therefore we fully understand our Members’ needs, wants and desires, tailoring our service around them individually.

TTT: Without giving any secrets away, what are the key elements you use to pair up a match?

SA: Relationships are based on common value systems; the four main parameters we use when we matchmake: background, lifestyle, sexual attraction and relationship goals. Of course, there are also other factors to consider, such as socio-economic status, family, and political and religious values; we take a holistic approach and always put our clients first.

TTT: Any success stories that come to mind? 

SA: It would have to be a couple we matched in 2007, who now have three adorable children. It makes me so proud that I have facilitated in introducing these two wonderful people.

TTT: Does geography come into play when making a match or is location irrelevant? 

SA: It is relevant to some people, to others it is not. However, our Members would tell us at the beginning of their membership of any geographical restrictions they might have, again tailoring our search to their bespoke needs.

TTT: Any special initiatives for the future that you would like to share? 

SA: In the luxury market, there is money to spend and the savvy rich want to make sure they are making sensible and fruitful long-term investments. Seventy Thirty is an investment for a better future. I will continue ensuring that our goals are successfully achieved and continue being an exceptional Ambassador for the luxury industry.

A little background on Susie Ambrose and Seventy Thirty:

“Whilst running her own highly successful psychotherapy practice in the heart of prestigious Knightsbridge,  Susie Ambrose, Founder & CEO of Seventy Thirty has always catered to the most elite calibre of high net-worth individuals; the wealthy, the successful and of course, the attractive. Essentially, all those who are serious about finding that special someone; their life partner.

During her private practice, she was approached by an aristocratic gentleman who came to her looking for help to find love. With years of expertise and a network of extremely sought after individuals, those of affluence and influence; matching him with a woman whom he respected and grew to love was the catalyst which drove Susie to build Seventy Thirty.

Now, a decade on, Seventy Thirty is the ultimate leading international matchmaking & introduction agency, finding exceptionally compatible relationships for our incredible Members worldwide.”

Sail away - The Sunday Times on Seventy Thirty

When E. B. sold her IT business for £22m in 2009, she found herself with an awful lot of time on her hands. “I was completely lost for the first time in my life. I really didn’t know what to do with myself.” But since the leggy, blonde Norwegian isn’t the sort of girl to let the grass grow under her feet, she decided to “take control of my private life and make it as successful as my professional life”. She joined the elite matchmaking agency Seventy Thirty, and two months later had found the object of her affections that would send her on a journey of discovery she’s still enjoying today: the superyacht. “The things you do when you’re in love!” she says, laughing.