“Know yourself and you will win all battles” – Sun Tzu

In the world of Matchmaking and Dating, confidence is a major factor that can help or hinder in the quest to find a relationship. The good news is you can learn confidence.

There have been studies suggesting that the majority of individuals do not enjoy their own company. We may be scared of being alone and we may not accept this realisation. However, understanding who you are as a person, separate from others, as a complete individual, is an art we must learn.

Dr Jerome Burt, Clinical Psychologist, has studied the harsh realities of not being happy in your own skin. His fascinating work has illuminated the fact that we have the ability to change our cognitive thinking in order to increase our confidence and in turn, increase our happiness within ourselves.

Lack of confidence can mean that we struggle to see a good thing when we have it. We self-sabotage using excuses like “it just isn’t right”, “we’re just different people”. We may be afraid to show our flaws believing our partner will run at the first hurdle. We may push people away because it is easier than getting hurt further down the line.

Working on your confidence levels can get rid of these irrational feelings and in turn make you ready for a working relationship. A few simple techniques can make dramatic long term results to improve your self-image, boost self-confidence and improve your general self-worth. The way we feel about ourselves significantly influences how we live. In addition, self-confidence “helps us engage fully with life,” - Mary Welford, DClinPsy, Clinical Psychologist.

v  Think positive, act positive.

Martin Seligman who founded Positive Psychology believes that positive thoughts lead to greater happiness.

v  Take Action.

Set a small goal and achieve it (Goal Setting Theory, Locke & Latham, 1990) has been shown to motivate and guide an individual to achieve a result and boost self-confidence in doing so.

v  Exercise.

Proven to help motivation, well-being, anxiety, self-esteem, cognitive functioning, psychological dysfunction (Biddle, 2000).

v  Practising self-compassion.

Identifying and focusing on our own best interests. Self- compassion “gives us the courage and strength to build our self-confidence” – Mary Welford, Clinical Psychologist.

v  Face your fear.

Avoiding things that make us anxious, increases that anxiety, confronting our fears is empowering. “Fears are nothing more than a state of mind”. – Napoleon Hill.

A healthy level of confidence is much more than being comfortable in your own skin, it’s about being comfortable in your mind. Being content; knowing even with our human vulnerabilities we are still worthy.  When you believe you are worthy of something, you think and act in ways that bear results. Before you can love you must believe that you are worthy of it, that is the ultimate confidence.

With realization of one’s own potential & self confidence in one’s ability, one can build a better world. - Dalai Lama

[1] Biddle, S. J. H. (2000) Emotion, mood and physical activity. In S. J. H. Biddle, K. R. Fox and S. H. Boutcher (eds), Physical activity and psychological well-being (pp. 63–87). London: Routledge.

[2] Locke, E. A., & Latham, G. P. (1990). A theory of goal setting and task performance. Upper Saddle River, NJ: Prentice Hall.